At first, it was about trying to get a dissertation fellowship. Now, it is about the integrity of the methodology and the centrality of the research purpose to my life calling.
Conceptually, the difference between the two can be labeled as extrinsic versus intrinsic motivation.
Metaphorically, the difference is like sweeping up loose hay just to get rid of the mess versus carefully preparing every straw to construct the wings of the very first human aircraft.
The former stresses me out; the latter gives me life.
Isn't the choice rather obvious?
5 months ago