My Scholarly Identity

Scholar Wannabe was in town. We had lunch. It was nice to see SW again after such a long time. I'm glad we have blogs to keep us updated on each other's lives.

Aside from the catch-up chit chat, the conversation turned to the topic of scholarly identity. SW said that she's always considered herself a teacher. She went towards Scholar-Wannabe'ing so that she could become a teacher. 

(If you know anything about academia in the Western world, you will know that unless you are a prolific researcher and writer, you will be "B-listed" in the eyes of "A-listers.")

"So long as I can make a living teaching, I am comfortable with that," she said.

This past weekend, the stress of having to balance PhD and family led me to seriously re-evaluate my future scholarly identity. 

I remembered why I came to do this PhD: I wanted to be a good therapist, I wanted to teach therapy, and I wanted to learn research.

However, somewhere along the journey, research got pushed to the top of the agenda in my mind. Well, I guess if funding and prestige follows research, and your department is always celebrating who got what funding, you can't help but begin to believe that only research counts.

Never mind that I'm a good therapist. Never mind that I help many people heal. If I don't do research, I am not worthy. I am nothing but a B-lister.

I began to fight that message last weekend.

It matters that I am a therapist. That is my identity. I love doing therapy. I love teaching therapy. And the only reason I do research is so that I can better people's lives! Therapy is important: It changes people's lives for the better!

SW admitted that even though she has the potential to be an A-lister and do research, her passion is really to teach. I completely dig that. I too, want to be led by my passions despite the pressures of institutional expectations.

"Successioning"

I am having a mini-eureka experience!

:silly grin:

Losing Focus: A Visionary-Researcher's Dilemma

When coding and making notes of recordings, I find my mind wandering. This happens often.

Is it because of the nature of my topic studied? Is this a normal thing for qualitative research? Or is it just me?

Come to think of it, my mind wanders a lot when I am studying. I need the discipline of a timer, note-taking, being really diligent about articulating and tracking the process of my work in order for me to be successful in getting "tangible work" completed.

My mind is too big, too broad, too visionary. An idea will come after an idea has been coded and pull me away from more coding. Unless I have my timer on, a whole hour will pass by and I find that I've been day-dreaming.

A researcher is detailed and task-oriented. That kind of processing is something I have to develop and work at -- it's not natural. I can dream, envision, generate ideas without an effort. I need to learn that this is okay, work within my limitations, and celebrate my strengths.

Bleugh

I'm tired.

Lots of interviews. Didn't audiotape a single one, but typed like crazy when I sat there with them having them talk away.

There is definitely emergence happening. But I need a break to go and analyze more in terms of actual written memos. So much is just in my brain, swimming, bumping into each other... concepts coming together like elements forming chunks within the primordial soup that is my brain.

"Bleugh." <-- Let that be my core category.

> . <

(I need sleep.)

p.s.1. I am enjoying listening to Jason Mraz while handling data admin. Note: I hate data admin.

p.s.2. If you're interested, check out the comments in my previous post. Pak Ngah left some neat comments. Check out his blog.

Transcribing & Coding Interviews - Classical GT Process

Quite a few of the advanced classic GT scholars advocate against recording and transcribing interviews.  They prefer to take field notes and to memo.  This is to avoid from becoming overwhelmed by the data.

One thing Barney said to me was that I can go back to my recorded interviews, and instead of transcribing them, just listen to them and making field notes.

But I am having trouble doing that.  I am so afraid of missing out on the data and precious quotes that I end up taking too many notes and transcribing too much.  One 1-hour interview can take me up 6 hours to note.  What is worse is that after about 1 hour of such work, I get tired and don't want to continue.  It is starting to feel tedious (the way that I am doing it).

And so, I decided that if I can "out" the block of mine on my blog and make it public--let the world know of my secret research shame--it might help me to better stick to the process.  The last thing I want is to become so bogged down by the data that I become ineffective in data analysis.

Keep it broad.  If it is an important aspect of the people's lived experience, it will show up again.  I need to trust the classical GT process!

Update to Motivate!

I've been back from the GT Seminar for a little more than a week now. I have met with my adviser, and she likes what is happening. I have spent time with family and got everyone's emotions somewhat settled after my time away. I have also spent time catching up on friends whose marriages and lives are falling apart, and plugging all my clients into sessions again. And on a personal level, I have been doing a lot of soul-searching, reflecting, and writing about a major change that God is taking me through. All is good. So what's missing?

Data analysis.

Over the next two and a half weeks, I need to sit down and do some major coding and memoing. Find those concepts that I want to move into given what emerges from the data (because, as the GT seminar advisors advised, I have too much in the data, and I need to choose).

I'll also need to do a bit of change in my consent forms so that I can follow-through procedurally for the purposes of theoretical sampling.

I have no fears about the next steps in my research. I just need to start.

Grounded Theory Seminar

Thoroughly enjoying the seminar! I recommend it to anyone who wants to learn grounded theory. And do it with Barney, because he's truly a genius at this! (p.s. he is also a wonderful person, once you can get past his old-style sense of humor.)