About Learning

I wish I could have a better attitude about learning, but when you've been doing something for more than a year and a half, and you find that you still haven't learned what you were supposed to learn, it's time to hold down the shift key on your keyboard and randomly hit some keys along the number row. For example:

#@!&^$%

Anyway, today, I realized that I did not read Barney's section on "memoing" very well. In a way, it's not my fault. His writing is dense and hard for a novice to follow. Nevertheless, it was a smack-myself-on-the-forehead realization (from the help of a couple of classic GT experts) that I am supposed to memo right from the start.

Memo. Right. From. The. Start.

"Memos lead, naturally to abstraction or ideation. Memoing is a constant process that begins when first coding data [emphasis added], and continues through reading memos or literature, sorting and writing papers or monograph to the very end" (Glaser, 1978, p.83).

I've read this. I swear, I've read this. Several times, in fact. But for the life of me, I didn't memo from the beginning of coding. And I don't know why.

Maybe its because I thought Corbin & Strauss (2008) did it in a non-classic way when she (Corbin) explained how to do it? Maybe I thought her memoing method was preconceiving?

Whatever.

(Yes, my attitude sucks right now. But I feel like I have a right. After all, this realization makes me think that I may very well not be ready to submit my dissertation for a conference scholarship next week.)

Data Coding Stuckness (An Email)

Excerpt from an email I sent to a classic GT methodology expert:

"I decided to code the fieldnotes from [some participants]. I did line-by-line (or idea-by-idea) coding. I've generated 200 codes and then started to categorize them. As I am categorizing, I am finding myself not knowing where I am headed. To solve the problem, I went back to your article on __________, which was helpful to re-read. Then realized I needed to re-read theoretical codes, and did that using Glaser 1978, 1998, 2005. Last night, I printed out all of my codes over 6 pieces of paper, and looked over them. I feel completely inundated! And I realized that I've only coded less than half of my fieldnotes from interviews! But once again, I find myself not knowing where I am headed! So, I was stuck, and I went to the literature, but now that I am back to my data again, I am stuck again.

I have to keep working today (while it is night-time for you in _______ ). While I await possible input from you, I will be asking myself Barney's (2004) questions for theoretical sensitivity ("what is the main concern" etc.) and just going back into the woodwork and relook at my data, code by code. It's exhausting to do this with so much time in-between. Each time I come back to the data with a week or so of lapse, it feels like I'm starting all over again."

Stuff The Loneliness!

I sent Big Name Editor my dissertation proposal last week.

This week he wrote back. His first three words were "very good proposal."

[insert smile]

And then he proceeded to warn me about how I've given myself "more work than needed" for a dissertation.

[insert frown]

As I sit here, having done only 30 minutes worth of actual work in 2 hours, I ask myself what is the value of having a "very good proposal" if it continues to remain a proposal.

- - -

Turning on my glass-half-full self...

I am starting to make some tiny progress dissertating again.

I went through the codes that I had generated, what... oh... 6 months ago?... and realized that they were rather dull. "Without grab" as Barney Glaser might put it.

After thinking through it a bit and rummaging through various Glaser books, I realized that the codes are a little on the no-grab side because I was coding without a whole bunch of theoretical codes in mind. I guess one might say that I am lacking in theoretical sensitivity?

So, I am re-reading about theoretical coding in Glaser (1978, 1998, 2005) to sensitize myself to theoretical codes. I plan to finish the reading these this week -- not study them but just read them and have them float around my head -- and then embark on my data next week.

I've identified two conferences to which I want to send my dissertation. One will be in the Americas and the other in Europe. I hope to bag the dissertation scholarships. But the deadlines are on December 14 and 15.

Time to stuff the loneliness and just work!

How To Be A Little Less Lonely

Big Name Researcher turned out to be doing research that is not quite like mine. And so I'm not sure partnering up the research would work.

At Important Regional Gathering last week, I met and talked to Big Name Editor who was the guest plenary speaker for the Gathering. I shared with hir my loneliness at doing research back in Home Country.

BNE: "Just send me anything you're writing on. I'll read it and give you feedback. Send it anytime."

Me: "You don't need to have some kind of an official role? Like... be on my committee or something?"

BNE: "Nope." And then s/he added, "you're the only one who is asking intelligent questions in this Gathering."

Me: Mouth-wide open... "thanks."

For the rest of the gathering, I went around introducing hirm as my new research mentor.

Lonely dissertator is starting to feel a little less lonely.

:big smile:

Possibilities

I finally contacted Big Name Researcher in Home Country.*

S/he is giving me an opportunity to be involved in a regional and a global research proposal that s/he is putting out for our field.

Wow...

---

* I am adopting Scholar Wannabe's Anonymous-Naming convention.

Two and a Half Months of Haitus

I started getting back into my dissertation yesterday. According to my dissertating notes, the last entry was dated July 30th.

July 30th was the last time I looked at my dissertation!?

I searched document folder after document folder to see if perhaps there was another little note or log somewhere to prove that I had not really ignored my dissertation for almost two and a half months. Alas, I found nothing.

Then I looked into my iCal to get a glimpse of what I had done.

August: Studied and passed a licensing exam

September: Packed up all possessions and a house

September: Moved half-way across the world

October: Set up a new home, hunted down schools for kids, and started a new job

So that's why I had not been working on my dissertation. I guess I had good reasons after all.

But I am ready now to re-tackle my dissertation. And I am excited.

Focus

I remember the first few years of grad school. The coursework deadlines were absolute. Every depended on your doing well in these classes: reputation amongst faculty, funding, assistantships. I was focused. Very focused. Nothing else mattered when I had a deadline. The paper or project was always the only thing in my line of sight.

I haven't had that feeling in a long time, which has been a good thing. That feeling led me to become quite compulsive about doing well. Or was it my compulsive drive to achieve that gave me the focus? In any case, it often led to stress, because I am a married man with kids, and they needed my attention more than I could offer. The tug-o-war between work and family led to great tension within me.

Life has been more balanced of late, especially after I became a doctoral candidate. No deadlines except my own. And so, I have been able to give more time to family. Problem is, as I am more relaxed, I also become lackadaisical about my work. I spend less time working, and when I do work, it is not as focused.

Tonight, it hit me that I needed to recapture that focus.

And I did. With a simple visioning exercise.

I thought back to my first three years in this program, and immediately, the focus came back like a sharp arrow drawn in an instant reflex.

Uncanny.

Two more weeks. If I can keep my focus like this, I should have no trouble answering 20 questions in 20 minutes in front of my licensing board.