The Lonely Dissertator

Postlude

2010-11-21T17:53:00.001+08:00

It's been six months since I received my PhD and I'm still as enthralled with classic grounded theory as ever.

This is just a little note to tell everyone reading my blog (for some reason, people continue to come and read this blog) that Barney Glaser is now on Youtube!

http://www.youtube.com/user/jillrhine

Check him out, listen to his wisdom, and go do some good grounded theory!

Adieu - Final Post from "The Lonely Dissertator"

2010-05-24T22:45:00.004+08:00

Dear Lonely Dissertator, ID: xxxxxxx

Congratulations! You have completed all requirements for your Ph D degree in Your Department. (. . .) Your degree award will be awarded 6/30/2010. Your official transcript will be updated, to show the award of the degree, 2-3 weeks following the award date.

Your diploma will be mailed to you 4-6 weeks following the award date by the Special Office. If you need to change the address to which the diploma will be mailed, you may contact Special Office at xxx-xxx-xxxx.

Note: Posting of your degree is contingent upon payment of all assessed University fees, fines and bills.

Congratulations on your accomplishments at the University of Yourchoice. We wish you all the best with your new endeavors.

Regards,

Xxxxx XxXxxxxx
Coordinator, Doctoral Degree Services
Graduate Student Services

Address at Yourchoice U

Phone numbers and other contact info.

---

The above is the email I received from my graduate school two days ago.

It's over folks. The Lonely Dissertator is no more. (Yes, I've already paid all of my dues to the University.)

Thank you for your companionship over the years. It is sad to leave this blog after so many years, but it is time for me to move on. And so, I bid you adieu.

~ Adieu ~

Which Option?

2010-05-14T07:03:00.001+08:00

Option 1: Dr. Lonely Scholar

Option 2: Lonely Scholar, Ph.D.

(Yes, I'm done. Date: May 13, 2010)

(No rewrites.)

(I'm still in disbelief.)

Defense Date Unofficially Set

2010-04-27T22:09:00.000+08:00

Given my distance from University, I could not go through the proper administrative procedure to get all the signatures properly signed for confirmation of Readiness for Defense.

So I did the next best thing: Asked my reviewers to give me an informal indication of my readiness.

As of tonight, all reviewers came back saying "yes."

O.O

My defense date is thus set (unofficially) for May 13th. There is no reason to believe that any of my committee members will change their minds, and so I will be purchasing my plane ticket tomorrow.

The countdown begins: two weeks and two days left to go...

Will I have any fingernails left to bite by then?

Anxiously Awaiting

2010-04-25T23:09:00.004+08:00

At first, the plan was end-May to early-June. Three members of my committee were okay with that. Then the 4th came back to say that s/he was not available then, and suggested up-to-mid-May or after-mid-June.

So on Friday, I sent out an email asking for the two weeks leading up to mid-May.

So far, two of the committee members have agreed. It being the weekend, I'm not going to push the other two. But if they agree, then I'll be defending in less than 3 weeks.

LESS THAN 3 WEEKS!!!

I'm not sure which is more anxiety provoking: not being able to set the date or being able to set the date!

In Between Done and Defended

2010-04-20T08:16:00.003+08:00

Sunday, April 18, late into the night. The Lonely Dissertator sent in the final, final i's-dotted-tees-crossed version of his dissertation to his committee.

Monday, April 19. With very little sleep, the Lonely Dissertator entered into the office to fully assume his new role as the Reflective Director of a Center of Excellence at Local University.

Tuesday, April 20, 5:30am. With little sleep again, the Reflective Director woke up to all kinds of dreams and thoughts associated with his new job, and wonders to himself: "I thought things were going to get easier post-dissertation."

In the meantime, the Lonely Dissertator awaits the the reading of his dissertation by Committee Members before setting up a defense date. Adviser has informally agreed that his dissertation is ready for defense.

You Know You Are A Geek When...

2010-04-13T22:56:00.008+08:00

You know you are geek when you happen upon a scholarly journal article, utter a little bow-tie exclamation to your illustrious self, "oh my! I wonder what this article has to say?" and then print it out just for reading.

Yes, just for reading.

Not reading to write a paper; not reading to teach a class; not reading to publish another article.

J u s t f o r r e a d i n g.

- g e e k -

(I really ought to invest in looking geeky so that there is more congruence between how I think and how I look.)

Anticlimax

2010-04-11T20:40:00.005+08:00

On Friday, I sent in the full draft of my dissertation write-up to Adviser.

In other words, I am, practically, done.

There is still the references I have to put in, a couple of minor figures and appendices, and I have to figure out the formating for the front matter. But the write-up is complete. And it's been through a few rounds of editing as well.

I had imagined different kinds of feelings I would have at this stage. Euphoria, a sense of lightness, a big smile of accomplishment... all those positive feelings. But I never imagined this: blah.

Yeah, I feel kind of blah.

Maybe its because I still have about 4-6 more hours of work to do on it (all the references and front/back matter)?

Maybe its because I am not sure if Bigshot Outside Committee Member will be okay with my dissertation?

Maybe its because I have yet to defend and pass?

Maybe its because I have a ton of work to do at the office?

ding dong

Someone's downstairs. I think I'll take that as an excuse to go get a bottle of red wine and chill out for the rest of the night. Tomorrow begins a very busy week at work.

The Light

2010-04-06T00:27:00.007+08:00

Adviser wrote back that s/he read my theory chapter (chapter 5).

Adviser is normally quite subdued in hir emails, often with an air of professional encouragement.

But this time, s/he used CAPS and !!!!!!!!!!!! to tell me just how much s/he like my theory chapter.

My THEORY chapter! That's the meat, and s/he really liked it!

I wrote hir back saying that lit background (chapter 2) is pretty solid too.

Yep, it is pretty solid.

After reading through over 50 journal articles and book chapters, a critical review of each, and then combining them into a table with analysis of "research area," "type of article," "findings," "regional specificity," etc,. I feel like I can finally say, "I know this field, and I have something new and exciting to contribute."

This is what they told me Ph.D.s are supposed to be all about. Contributing to new knowledge.

I'm glad I'm feeling this way about my dissertation. It was not a mistake to change advisers two years ago and go towards an area that I knew I would not get sick of. I'm already thinking of all kinds of follow-up research and publications I can do.

Nope, I'm definitely not sick of this work!

(Okay, okay, so I was sick of it for a couple of months in Jan and Feb. Okay, most of March too. But I knew I would feel better about it after.)

I'm seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, and I think I need sunglasses. B-)

Close to Finishing

2010-04-04T01:28:00.003+08:00

One of the things to do in order to legitimize one's classic GT in the academic world is to "retrofit" your theory to the existing literature. Most GT scholars are irreverent about doing this. They are more interested in how the theory has fit and grab for the participants than they are in how it fits in which the trail of academic research that preceded.

Well, I am very much in academia, and so I need to know the rules and play by them (as SW put it: be in the game but not of it.)

Well, lo and behold, my theory is pretty "big" (I don't have the mind for a more apt word, after writing for over 12 hours), so my literature review has taken over 3 weeks to do. This is not literature that is completely new to me as I was already fairly familiar with the field. But when you have a theory to "retrofit," the literature you read take on a new lens. You start to look for and see things you did not see before. And of course, with each new search, another piece of literature pops up.

It's exciting. But it's also exhausting.

This dissertation has got to be done, and soon! The literature background section has taken me three days to write (after 3 weeks of reading and re-reading), and I am still not done. Sure, the chapter is brilliant--it really is, IMHO--but I'm fed up with the work. As they say in Caprica, this is taking too fracking long.

On Resurrection Sunday, I will wake up and not go to church. Instead, I will hit my computer with my fingers to finish up chapter 2. And when chapter 2 is done, I will re-read it together with chapter 3, 4, and 5, and edit. After that, Monday will come, and I will begin writing my conclusion and discussion chapter, 6. It should be a significantly easier chapter to write. Hopefully, I can finish it in one day. And finally, after that is done, I will pull it all together by writing chapter 1.

The kids' Easter break will be over next weekend. I owe them big time--about 7 years of absence. I will send off the entire draft of the dissertation to my adviser by Thursday, and then, take a long weekend off to some beach hotel and just relax for the entire weekend.

Now, that would be a holyday [sic]--spending real connecting time with family.

A Rhetorical Question

2010-04-02T19:06:00.006+08:00

"What does it mean when you feel embarrassed for a journal in your field that it recently allowed a substandard article to be published?"

I mean, really. It contributed nothing to the field.

*shakes head*

Probably some academic/political thing happening there.

For Peggy

2010-03-24T23:01:00.005+08:00

Peggy asked for more on my previous post. Sorry Peggy, I'm writing this because I'm feeling bored and frankly, a little negative. So here's a barrage of thoughts.

To do full justice to what I wrote in my last post, I would have to offer some quotes from Barney himself. But I am too tired at this point to make my post into another academically-sound piece of writing. In fact, I don't even know if "vested social interests" is what Barney called it. But I do remember that it pertained to the understanding that academics are more interested in their own work, their own theories, their own language, and the advancement of their own careers than they are in the pure pursuit of knowledge. To protect their interests, they create a culture where in order for you to "advance" in academia, you have to play by their rules. If you don't, you are ostracized.

I came to this stark realization after having some really good and deep conversations with a visiting professor. After getting to know hir well, s/he told me the "secrets" to scholarly achievement. Scholars playing the game, so to speak, will only pay heed to another scholar if the other scholar has credentials behind hir name. And to get those credentials, you need to abide by the rules of the game: publish in the right journals, cite the right people, be cited by the right people. For many scholars (perhaps American ones in particular), what you have to say is less important than how well you've played the game. You could say something brilliant, but if you don't have the right credentials, it doesn't really count. It's as if you're not in the club, so your opinion doesn't matter.

I saw this "in action" last week with my own eyes. The speaker was saying some really brilliant things, but because s/he did not play the academic game, scholars in the club discredited hir. "We would have to know who s/he was first before we'd be willing to hear what s/he has to say."

Excuse me? Should not the content speak for itself?

I like academia, and I still think there is much good--and many good scholars--in it. Especially those who are older, accomplished, and really bored with the game people in academia play. I greatly admire true thinkers. The rest of those [us?] career-vested academics are, I'm afraid to say, fooling themselves (and those who are wow'ed by anything PhD) to think that they are really contributing to knowledge in any significant way.

I am thankful for people like Barney who have taught me not to be so small minded as to limit the periphery of my vision to see only what I have been socialized to see.

I will end this post with The Professor Song which I made up one day when listening to my children's Flea Fly Song (sung to the tune of the Battle Hymn of the Republic):

One professor published behind a second professor's back

The second professor published behind a third professor's back

The third professor published behind a fourth professor's back

The fourth professor published behind a fifth professor's back

They were only playing te_____nure

When the one professor published behind another professor's back!

The moral of the story? Learn to play the game, but don't get your mind muddled in the muck.

Barney Glaser Is...

2010-03-21T00:43:00.002+08:00

Barney Glaser is a genius.

If I never knew that before, I know it now.

To me, a genius is not a person completely untouchable by common folk. A genius is simply someone who really stands out from the crowd in terms of ideas and insights. Like the Beatles. We can all sing their songs, and yet they have been hailed as geniuses.

Hey Jude~

So, why exactly is Barney a genius? Because he can cut through the crap. And his methodology cuts through the crap.

I say crap, but I don't mean it as if I am above crap. This crap that I'm talking about is vested social interests that shape and form knowledge, otherwise known as academia.

It's a club. And it is so cleverly done that those who are not in it, gawk with awe at it, give it a good deal of worship, and really have no way of knowing whether it is as valuable as it is perceived. Because academic parlance, if you will, completely masquerades itself through jargons. When you are well-masqueraded enough--like Madonna--a mystique starts to develop around you.

Barney knows that, talked about that, talks about that, and teaches us to see it.

That's all for tonight. I won't elaborate further. If you want to know more, leave a comment.

Alas... Conference in RCA

2010-03-14T06:10:00.003+08:00

is no more for me.

Too far to travel, too little time.

Conference organizer (a big name scholar, by the way) said that he was very much looking forward to my presentation, and will miss my involvement.

Wow.

Was he just being nice, or was my work truly that good?

He was just being nice.

I'm sure of it.

A small hip hip... and a BIG HIP HIP

2010-03-05T07:15:00.005+08:00

Chapter 4 (my theory section) is completed and sent in to Adviser for comments and feedback.

A small hip hip hooray for me!

My friend Scholar Wannabe has landed a tenure-track position at First-Choice U.

A BIG HIP HIP HOORAY FOR HIR!!!!

Go to hir blog and congratulate hir. And tell hir Lonely Dissertator sent you. :-)

Writing Fever

2010-03-04T05:30:00.005+08:00

That's it!

I've gone back through all of my coded data, saturated my sub-categories, and made conceptual ties to portions that were previously more descriptive. My intuition was mostly correct as I only had to reword a couple of my sub-categories.

Of course, I moaned and groaned and considered giving up over the past 5 days of doing this, but the effort has proven worthwhile.

What is even MORE exciting is that tonight, I read a booklet written by a practitioner in the field that I am studying. This is DATA! And guess what?

Guess what???

My theory completely explains his perspectives!!!

Not only that, the data from him represents a group of people from which I had difficulty obtaining interviews. So I can quote him!!!

And best of all... well, not best best of all, but pretty close to best best... I sent that data with my theoretical scribbles in the margins to Adviser and sh'he wrote back saying that sh'he can't wait to read my theory!!!

The best best of all is this: I believe I have a really good theory on my hands!

No, I don't believe it, I know it!

I know it! I know it! I know it!

(Okay, did I overdo the exclamation marks?)

And now it's 5:40am and I refuse to go to sleep even after working 7 hours straight. I am writing out my theory now, and boy, am I ever excited!

Regrounding Intuition (Alternate Title: Follow The Process!)

2010-02-28T02:58:00.010+08:00

One of the things I did to develop Theory D was to write an abstract for Conference In Resort City. In my rush to get out my abstract, I had to rely somewhat on my intuition to come up with several of the sub-categories for my theory. From the recent feedback I received at the workshop in Oldest Varsity, I came to understand that there is more work to be done to develop a Full-Package grounded theory.

And so, I am back to the drawing board, so to speak, and going through my data once again to ensure that all of my categories have a good audit trail to them. In other words, I am having to reground my intuition.

It's good. It's good. Rigorous detailed work it is, but necessary.

I'm 100 per cent sure the data is there and that the sub-categories come from the data. But what I understand now, especially after reading through Perspectives III: Theoretical Coding (Glaser, 2005), is that having well-saturated categories, a good stack of memos, and going through a diligent and creative hand-sorting process of memos with theoretical codes in mind will yield a much more conceptual theory.

The GT process has been well laid-out. I just need to follow it.

I can't wait to do another GT study after this dissertation is done. The next time, I will follow the process to a T . . . or to a GT . . . Bad pun. Never mind.

Note: I know many dissertators who don't put in this much effort (and expense) to perfect their craft. Yet those dissertators tend to become ex-dissertators in good time. Oh, to be an ex-dissertator!

Mixed Emotions

2010-02-27T15:30:00.000+08:00

I received mixed responses for my abstract for Conference in RCA.

1. The conference organizers gave really positive feedback on my abstract and poster;
2. The GT workshop leaders felt that I needed more saturation and conceptualization -- move from conceptual description towards theoretical conceptualization;
3. Adviser expressed surprise that I had not waited until I had completed my dissertation and submitted it to graduate school before sending my work to the conference.

I am very excited about #1, happy to learn #2, and completely perplexed by #3.

#3. I never knew that it would be a problem to submit works-in-progress to conferences.

First, the organizers contacted me and encouraged me to submit the application back in December when I had failed to submit on the deadline, and accepted the application even though I had clearly expressed that it was work-in-progress and that in line with Classic Grounded Theory, the emergent theory may change from what I had submitted.

Second, I know many friends who send in portions of their dissertations into conferences for presentation. In fact, it is a common practice to do so for our Computer Science department. As one friend told me, the doctoral dissertations in their department are made up of a compilation of chapters which they are encouraged to publish in journals before the entire dissertation is completed.

Third, sh'he knew that I was submitting an abstract to the Conference, so why did sh'he not inform me of this earlier?

I don't feel upset at Adviser, who has been really supportive all along, even when sh'he expressed #3 above. Perhaps hir illness has affected hir more than sh'he realized. I have been so careful all along to adhere to the highest ethical standards in my research, but now, I am concerned that my reputation--and worse, my dissertation--may be negatively affected because of this.

I have written back to Adviser (even tried to call her on the phone) to seek clarification, but have not yet heard back from hirm.

The life of a dissertator is fraught with mixed emotions!

The Simpsons Understand

2010-02-26T23:25:00.002+08:00

Feeling Much Less Lonely

2010-02-24T19:25:00.003+08:00

Attending seminar at Oldest Varsity has been incredibly validating. Not only am I getting a real hang of learning classic grounded theory, I am feeling supported, understood, and excited about my dissertation more than ever before. Being in an environment where people understand what I am doing and can furthermore guide me towards the next steps in incredibly reassuring.

I am, indeed, feeling much less lonely.

I have also noticed that my brain is overflowing with ideas on classic grounded theory since attending this seminar. I am wondering if I should start a new blog focused just on "Classic Grounded Theory?" So many of my posts in the recent past has been about grounded theory.

Do I have enough to say about "lonely dissertating" to justify a separate blog? I don't know. Well, for now, I think I'll just keep writing here and label the grounded theory posts as such (see "labels" on the right panel).

Grounded Theory: Staying Conceptual & Entering An Area of Interest

2010-02-24T02:26:00.005+08:00

I presented my emerging theory today and received a lot of helpful feedback. I want to blog about two key ideas: Staying Conceptual, and Entering An Area of Interest.

1. Staying Conceptual

Staying conceptual is something that I had understood was important, but until now, hadn't quite got the bearings of how to do it. Doing grounded theory requires going back and forth between conceptualizing and theoretically sampling data that is often descriptive in nature. I have a tendency to get caught up in the description such that I lose sight of the concepts. The notion of "conceptual description" is very helpful. Many so-called grounded theory studies describe concepts rather than tie them together through Theoretical Codes.

Today's wikipedia entry on Grounded Theory explains theoretical codes in this way:

Theoretical codes integrate the theory by weaving the fractured concepts into hypotheses that work together in a theory explaining the main concern of the participants. Theoretical coding means that the researcher applies a theoretical model to the data.

Two of my friends had defended their dissertations using grounded theory. One used Charmaz and the other used Strauss & Corbin. In both cases, what they had presented were really "conceptual descriptions." The first one using Charmaz just had a list of themes -- I am not even sure if s'he even had concepts come to think of it. The second one using Strauss & Corbin had concepts but s'he did not have a Core Category nor did s'he tie the concepts together through theoretical codes. Classic grounded theory emphasizes the importance of a core category as well as theoretical codes to bring the fractured concepts together.

This is theorizing!

And the theoretical codes, like the concepts (also known as substantive codes), need to emerge from the data, and not be forced onto the data.

The good news is, even with just a core category and a list of conceptual descriptions that have emerged from data (without tying them together with theoretical codes), one can have a brilliant, respectable piece of work. Such is the power of classic grounded theory.

2. Entering An Area of Interest

Many grounded theories that I have read have pertained to a specified population or a group of people. That was how I understood the word "substantive theory": that is applies to a particular group of people, e.g. the homeless, cancer patients, etc. I was not sure how one could enter into an area of interest where it applies to an action, say, "nagging."

However, in talking with Barney Glaser today, he clarified that what is more important is to have an area of interest, and just jump into the area and begin to collect data. You never know where it is going to lead you. He gave the example of one study which looked at Greek Dancing. This study came up with the a main concern or core category that pertained to something having to do with the rigorous exchange of partners, and having to manage that. Barney also cited his grounded theory of inheritance as another example.

So one could study nagging by simply jumping into data collection and follow the analysis where it leads, using the classic GT questions.

- - -

That's it. No clever post today. Just a little movement towards better understanding of classic grounded theory at Oldest Varsity.

Oldest Varsity

2010-02-22T16:56:00.001+08:00

Here I sit as we are just about to begin on our workshop.

How exciting.

More later.

A Whole New Respect!

2010-02-13T23:02:00.012+08:00

I've been working hard to piece together the elements of my theory.

Boy! Is it ever hard work!

What is harder about it is that when I go in to the literature now to fill in some data-gaps, I find that people have been writing about what I have discovered through theoretical sampling and constant comparison.

Yes, there has been a great deal of uncertainty on my part as to whether I really have anything new or useful to say, but aside from that--which I have come to accept as a natural part of the process of writing up theory--what I am discovering is a true WOW factor. Not wow for myself, but wow for some of these scholars.

It is HARD to come up with original theory. So, I have brand new respect for these awesome award winning, chaired professor scholars. Their work (just good scholarly research, not necessarily grounded theory) have captured so succinctly and so well the things I have been struggling to put into words the last couple of weeks. Truly, theirs is work worth commending. Now I can begin to really tell the difference between amazing scholars and so-so scholars in my field. What's exciting is that my field is so young that many of these folks are still alive, and I'll get to meet them and hopefully not fumble my words when I open my mouth.

And here is also a new kind of respect I have for classic grounded theory: only by doing grounded theorizing have I been able to come to appreciate truly amazing scholarship. I would not have appreciated just how brilliant and hardworking these folks are had I stuck to the verification of variables in some quantitative way (even though I would have finished my Ph.D. a year ago). In my many years of study, I have been taught to critique theories but never to craft them. As good as I have been with theories, the act of crafting a theory has given me a level understanding about theories that critiquing and applying theories alone could never give.

I believe that developing a grounded theory would be an excellent exercise for an upper undergraduate or beginning masters research methodology class--to give students a chance to grapple with the challenge of theorizing and appreciate the value of a really well-crafted theory.

Four More Weeks Left

2010-02-07T21:14:00.006+08:00

The stress is on, like, majorly.

I have only 2 weeks to get my theory ship-shape. On 20th, I have to submit my 5-page abstract for RCA, and then fly off to Oldest Varsity to present my theory. Then I have a week and a half to complete a FULL draft of my dissertation to Adviser. If I don't get the full draft OK'ed by her by first week of March, then I will not be able to attend my commencement in May.

The FULL draft?

This is not really possible.

I have to keep working hard.

Unexpected Tranquility

2010-02-02T18:50:00.003+08:00

I'm sitting on my desk cutting up memos into strips for comparing and sorting. And I feel great.

[ Rewind story to the beginning ]

The past couple of days have been filled with stress -- work stress, that is. I thought to myself that I certainly would not have the energy to be able to dissertate after spending all day attending to work matters having to do with politics and negotiations. But I was wrong.

Professor Whitehair, whom I have always respected, encouraged me concerning my feelings of loneliness in research. He shared with me that the short time spans that he does get to spend on research are far and few in-between that when he has them, they are extremely precious to him.

I am liking my paper-cutting time right now, even though it is 7pm and I am still at the office. Not only does it relax me from the irritating and mundane work-life, the act of physically cutting paper gives my brain a whole different way to think of my data.

I feel rejuvenated in this tranquility. I will begin to see my times dissertating not as lonely, but as tranquil.

The Tranquil Dissertator? Hmm...

To D or not to D

2010-01-25T22:46:00.004+08:00

I am feeling uncertain about a possible core category which I am calling, "D". I feel uncertain about this core category not because the data does not point towards it, but no other scholar in the field has called it that.

But everything in my data says: "D is it!"

In fact, when I talked to a respondent yesterday, he too, said "D? That's EXACTLY it."

So, why do I feel so nervous about this core category?

Because I may very well be leading a new movement in the field. And I have a feeling that other scholars in the field will attack me for it -- because they are so attached to the established perspectives, particularly, they like to call the phenomenon "S." Twenty-over years of research calling something "S," and with grounded theory emergence, I am seeing "D" instead. Dare I challenge the field with a new movement? Do I really know what I am talking about? Aren't I just a small, little doctoral student?

What I need to do now is to do more theoretical sampling and test out potential core category "D." See if I get more similar responses than the one I got yesterday.

Today

2010-01-19T09:26:00.005+08:00

"Today, while the blossom still clings onto the vine..."

That's the first line to a song. You know, following from yesterday's post, Tomorrow?

Ahem. Anyway.

Today's ToDo does not look very enticing. I've decided that since I have no meetings, I will go into the office, spend a few hours doing work-work, then have lunch, and then stay in the office to dissertate.

I have never done that before.

I'm used it dissertating at home, around the dining room, in the living room, even in the tea/coffee shops around.

I don't know why I'm doing it. Probably because I need a change in environment. Probably because I'm trying to "integrate" research into my "daily work" life.

Sigh. (Will another day be wasted?)

More updates later below these three dashes.

- - -

Update

Guess how many hours of dissertating I did?

If you guessed zero, you're right.

-_-

Tomorrow

2010-01-18T21:47:00.009+08:00

Since my last post, almost an entire week wheezed by, occupied by other activities.

I finally found some time today and forced myself to attend to my variables and memos. Despite my best effort, I was only able to put in three hours of work. Compared to seven hours, three seems like a drop in the bucket, but it's actually pretty good. Still I'm not happy with the output because The Rush is on!

I could force myself to keep working, or I could stop...

I think I will stop. Not because I can't push myself, but because comparing and sorting of memos requires another kind of mind -- a clear mind. After 3 hours of reading and thinking, the brain feels like mush, so any additional time spent will probably be non-productive.

It'll be better tomorrow. I know it will be...

Sniff... :'-)

(don't you just love her?)

\\\\/, \\\\/, \\\\/, \\\\/, \\\\/, \\\\/, \\\\/

2010-01-13T00:34:00.004+08:00

For every 10 minutes of focused work that I do, I make a tick on my virtual MacBook sticky pad. Like this: \

Each hour consists of 5 x 10 minutes, giving myself a 10 minute break, adding to a full hour's work.

How many hour's work did I do? Yes, you counted that right. SEVEN hours of effective work done.

SEVEN!!!

Remember how unmotivated I was yesterday? And how I didn't force the issue, but decided to come back with more motivation today?

\o/

When I came back and told my wife, she shared that a friend and her prayed specifically this morning that I would be very focused in my work. Prayer works!

So...

All collected data has been coded!!! Now, to print out every single one of my coded "variables" and do some serious comparing and contrasting (which I have already been doing, because I have tons of memos). Then, I can zoom in on some variable, even consider them to be codes, and do targeted theoretical sampling.

I'm reaching a very exciting phase of my grounded theory: emergence!

It's Just One of Those Days

2010-01-11T23:59:00.001+08:00

I had a whole day devoted to dissertating.

I've been trying to push myself to do more than 2 hours of data analysis for the past hour.

I just can't do any more.

I'm not tired; I'm not sleepy; I'm not busy. I just don't want to do any more. Simple.

Sometimes, one just needs to say, "enough is enough," and not force the issue.

I'll be back tomorrow, feeling more motivated.

I hope.

A Running Post...

2010-01-09T08:48:00.009+08:00

This post is "alive" and will be updated over the rest of the day.

Why? Because I have not been able to do any dissertation work the past two days, and there is a great deal of anxiety within. This post will keep me accountable to reporting to... the world(!) about my progress for the day.

8:49am. Going to exercise followed by some quiet reflection time. The recent bad news in Home Country has taken up a lot of my attention, especially since it hit a sanctuary where many friends call home.

12:15pm. Sitting at the coffee shop having a croissant and coffee after having done the morning routine as well as some Officework. -_- Yes, officework on a Saturday.

1:45pm. Dissertating has not begun at all! Coffee shop's fast internet access is not helping. I'm going to find another place where there is no internet access.

4:20pm. Two coffees and 1+ hour of work later, I'm feeling tired and woozy. The challenge with CGT is that you really have to think through your analysis. It's definitely not plug-n-play.

6:10pm. Dozed off for an hour. Then got news that I got into the Seminar at Oldest Varsity! Of course, I had to do the necessaries such as looking into flights, booking accommodation, etc. right away. I have never been to Oldest Varsity, so I'm really looking forward to seeing what it looks like compared to my alma mater, Second Oldest Varsity.

I have only six more weeks before I need to finish off all my codes and tie them together. This gives me NEW MOTIVATION! The count-down is on!

Building Momentum

2010-01-04T17:31:00.004+08:00

I should have started 1.5 hours ago. But dillying and dallying this and that is killing my sense of momentum.

grrr... (growling at self)

It's 5:30pm. Dinner is at 7pm.

I will get one clocked hour of dissertation in between now and 7.

... appropriate software programs are turned on;

... soft music is turned on;

... and last of all, my trusty timer.

Darn. Lost the battery in my timer. >.<

No! My momentum shall not be defeated today.

... and last of all, my trusty cellphone timer!

Here we go. Will report by 7pm how well I did.

-----

60 clocked minutes of work done. Ahhh....! ^ _ ^

Masking Gender

2010-01-03T12:27:00.004+08:00

She or he = sh'he

Her or him = hirm

It's actually pronounceable!

ha. ha.

Conference in Resort City in the Americas

2009-12-17T15:47:00.007+08:00

Remember how I struggled to get my dissertation abstract to be sent in to a conference since December 4th?

Well, I heard back right away from the evaluation committee, and surprise, surprise, they were not taken aback by my orthodox grounded theory methodology.

And so, I received the doctoral scholarship, and I will be flying to Resort City in the Americas (RCA) to present my emerging work in April 2010.

Hopefully, I will be able to have my dissertation fully completed by then.

Question: to bring wife or not to bring wife along to RCA? :-D

---

Edit (Dec 19): It turns out that I didn't receive a scholarship yet, my dissertation was only accepted. Twenty over doctoral dissertations were accepted, and only five scholarships will be given out, to be announced later. A proposal using classic GT methodology winning a competitive scholarship? I have my doubts. :-/

So tired...

2009-12-17T02:30:00.003+08:00

Was able to both get some movement happening in my dissertation (thanks to a wonderful GT consultant) as well as send in my dissertation abstract for a doctoral scholarship for a conference in April (thanks to the conference organizer for emailing me and offering me a one-day extension, unprompted).

But boy, am I tired. And tomorrow is a full day's work.

It's already 2:30am.

zzz...

Memoing is Another Word for Journaling!

2009-12-14T18:15:00.014+08:00

I have been journaling since the tender age of eleven. So I understand the discovery-through-writing process very well. In fact, it has become an integral part of my continual journey of personal growth. This blog is just one good example of my journaling.

When GT Consultant whom I recently engaged told me to memo just the way I blog (*courtesy wave to GT Consultant if s/he is reading this*), I thought s/he was just trying to be a good teacher, connecting memoing to something with which I am familiar. As it turns out, s/he wasn't kidding at all. Memoing is very simply, discovery-through-writing. Although there are things one ought to do to keep the process at a theoretical level (I refer you to Glaser's 1978 text, Theoretical Sensitivity), the "feel" of memoing is not at all different from what I have been doing for years: the iterative process of recording and discovering my thoughts on paper/computer.

So... why haven't I been memoing all this time? I think it's because I thought memoing was something more fancy and difficult. After all, research is not supposed to be so natural and fun... or is it? [insert grin]

I feel like I'm on cloud 9!

Watch out world, a dissertation is coming your way!

About Learning

2009-12-13T01:00:00.004+08:00

I wish I could have a better attitude about learning, but when you've been doing something for more than a year and a half, and you find that you still haven't learned what you were supposed to learn, it's time to hold down the shift key on your keyboard and randomly hit some keys along the number row. For example:

#@!&^$%

Anyway, today, I realized that I did not read Barney's section on "memoing" very well. In a way, it's not my fault. His writing is dense and hard for a novice to follow. Nevertheless, it was a smack-myself-on-the-forehead realization (from the help of a couple of classic GT experts) that I am supposed to memo right from the start.

Memo. Right. From. The. Start.

"Memos lead, naturally to abstraction or ideation. Memoing is a constant process that begins when first coding data [emphasis added], and continues through reading memos or literature, sorting and writing papers or monograph to the very end" (Glaser, 1978, p.83).

I've read this. I swear, I've read this. Several times, in fact. But for the life of me, I didn't memo from the beginning of coding. And I don't know why.

Maybe its because I thought Corbin & Strauss (2008) did it in a non-classic way when she (Corbin) explained how to do it? Maybe I thought her memoing method was preconceiving?

Whatever.

(Yes, my attitude sucks right now. But I feel like I have a right. After all, this realization makes me think that I may very well not be ready to submit my dissertation for a conference scholarship next week.)

Data Coding Stuckness (An Email)

2009-12-07T14:38:00.004+08:00

Excerpt from an email I sent to a classic GT methodology expert:

"I decided to code the fieldnotes from [some participants]. I did line-by-line (or idea-by-idea) coding. I've generated 200 codes and then started to categorize them. As I am categorizing, I am finding myself not knowing where I am headed. To solve the problem, I went back to your article on __________, which was helpful to re-read. Then realized I needed to re-read theoretical codes, and did that using Glaser 1978, 1998, 2005. Last night, I printed out all of my codes over 6 pieces of paper, and looked over them. I feel completely inundated! And I realized that I've only coded less than half of my fieldnotes from interviews! But once again, I find myself not knowing where I am headed! So, I was stuck, and I went to the literature, but now that I am back to my data again, I am stuck again.

I have to keep working today (while it is night-time for you in _______ ). While I await possible input from you, I will be asking myself Barney's (2004) questions for theoretical sensitivity ("what is the main concern" etc.) and just going back into the woodwork and relook at my data, code by code. It's exhausting to do this with so much time in-between. Each time I come back to the data with a week or so of lapse, it feels like I'm starting all over again."

Stuff The Loneliness!

2009-12-04T19:38:00.010+08:00

I sent Big Name Editor my dissertation proposal last week.

This week he wrote back. His first three words were "very good proposal."

[insert smile]

And then he proceeded to warn me about how I've given myself "more work than needed" for a dissertation.

[insert frown]

As I sit here, having done only 30 minutes worth of actual work in 2 hours, I ask myself what is the value of having a "very good proposal" if it continues to remain a proposal.

- - -

Turning on my glass-half-full self...

I am starting to make some tiny progress dissertating again.

I went through the codes that I had generated, what... oh... 6 months ago?... and realized that they were rather dull. "Without grab" as Barney Glaser might put it.

After thinking through it a bit and rummaging through various Glaser books, I realized that the codes are a little on the no-grab side because I was coding without a whole bunch of theoretical codes in mind. I guess one might say that I am lacking in theoretical sensitivity?

So, I am re-reading about theoretical coding in Glaser (1978, 1998, 2005) to sensitize myself to theoretical codes. I plan to finish the reading these this week -- not study them but just read them and have them float around my head -- and then embark on my data next week.

I've identified two conferences to which I want to send my dissertation. One will be in the Americas and the other in Europe. I hope to bag the dissertation scholarships. But the deadlines are on December 14 and 15.

Time to stuff the loneliness and just work!

How To Be A Little Less Lonely

2009-11-25T15:57:00.012+08:00

Big Name Researcher turned out to be doing research that is not quite like mine. And so I'm not sure partnering up the research would work.

At Important Regional Gathering last week, I met and talked to Big Name Editor who was the guest plenary speaker for the Gathering. I shared with hir my loneliness at doing research back in Home Country.

BNE: "Just send me anything you're writing on. I'll read it and give you feedback. Send it anytime."

Me: "You don't need to have some kind of an official role? Like... be on my committee or something?"

BNE: "Nope." And then s/he added, "you're the only one who is asking intelligent questions in this Gathering."

Me: Mouth-wide open... "thanks."

For the rest of the gathering, I went around introducing hirm as my new research mentor.

Lonely dissertator is starting to feel a little less lonely.

:big smile:

Possibilities

2009-10-24T12:11:00.007+08:00

I finally contacted Big Name Researcher in Home Country.*

S/he is giving me an opportunity to be involved in a regional and a global research proposal that s/he is putting out for our field.

Wow...

---

* I am adopting Scholar Wannabe's Anonymous-Naming convention.

Two and a Half Months of Haitus

2009-10-17T21:31:00.003+08:00

I started getting back into my dissertation yesterday. According to my dissertating notes, the last entry was dated July 30th.

July 30th was the last time I looked at my dissertation!?

I searched document folder after document folder to see if perhaps there was another little note or log somewhere to prove that I had not really ignored my dissertation for almost two and a half months. Alas, I found nothing.

Then I looked into my iCal to get a glimpse of what I had done.

August: Studied and passed a licensing exam

September: Packed up all possessions and a house

September: Moved half-way across the world

October: Set up a new home, hunted down schools for kids, and started a new job

So that's why I had not been working on my dissertation. I guess I had good reasons after all.

But I am ready now to re-tackle my dissertation. And I am excited.

Focus

2009-08-09T09:54:00.003+08:00

I remember the first few years of grad school. The coursework deadlines were absolute. Every depended on your doing well in these classes: reputation amongst faculty, funding, assistantships. I was focused. Very focused. Nothing else mattered when I had a deadline. The paper or project was always the only thing in my line of sight.

I haven't had that feeling in a long time, which has been a good thing. That feeling led me to become quite compulsive about doing well. Or was it my compulsive drive to achieve that gave me the focus? In any case, it often led to stress, because I am a married man with kids, and they needed my attention more than I could offer. The tug-o-war between work and family led to great tension within me.

Life has been more balanced of late, especially after I became a doctoral candidate. No deadlines except my own. And so, I have been able to give more time to family. Problem is, as I am more relaxed, I also become lackadaisical about my work. I spend less time working, and when I do work, it is not as focused.

Tonight, it hit me that I needed to recapture that focus.

And I did. With a simple visioning exercise.

I thought back to my first three years in this program, and immediately, the focus came back like a sharp arrow drawn in an instant reflex.

Uncanny.

Two more weeks. If I can keep my focus like this, I should have no trouble answering 20 questions in 20 minutes in front of my licensing board.

The Fear of Being All that We Can Be

2009-07-31T08:14:00.006+08:00

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same." - Adapted from Marianne Williamson.

"When I was ten years old, I saw "Rocky" for the first time and anybody from my era would tell you that this type of movie triggered everything for them. I didn't know anything about boxing when I was that age. But I knew what this guy was going through and I had his back. There's a lot of that in this story. The idea of not being afraid of that thing you do the best, not permitting circumstance to confine you but to find your voice and your talent. Own it and to be proud of it and do it. It's not a story about learning how to spell but about a kid who learns what she's good at, becomes proud of that and doesn't want to hide it anymore. It's overcoming the fear of being great, before you can be great." - Doug Atchison, writer/director of Akeelah and the Bee.

"He began to have a dim feeling that, to attain his place in the world, he must be himself, and not another." - W.E.B. Dubois

Hand-Coding Hardware

2009-07-30T06:07:00.012+08:00

I was advised that sorting and memo-ing would be more easily done by hand. But I was not told as to the mechanics of that process.

After two days of trying out different things, I came to this:

Export codes from MaxQDA into Excel
Edit Excel file so that the relevant information fits onto a regular sized paper (make sure there are lines drawn between codes)
Print on card-stock paper (I used regular paper the first time, and found them too flimsy to handle)
Cut out each code into a separate strip (that's where the lines come in)

Then do the sorting/consolidating thing by asking these classic GT questions:

- What is the data a study of?

- What category does this incident indicate?

- What is actually happening in the data?

- What is the main concern being faced by the participants?

- What accounts for the continual resolving of this concern?

It was relatively easy to re-categorize them into higher level categories. (Except I'm not sure if that is what I am doing exactly.)

Then, I needed more hand-coding hardware. I took large envelopes and made little envelope strips out of them into which I inserted the various categories of codes.

I took a picture of a handful for "show and tell":

Ta dah! Clever, ne?

Well, now, I'm stuck. How do I go from my hand-coding back into software-coding? Because I still have a lot more data to code.

As they say in France, "zut alors!"

Celebrate or Sleep?

2009-07-27T13:01:00.003+08:00

Dissertated 2 full hours (i.e. two 60-minutes) yesterday. Dissertated 3 hours (i.e. three 50-minutes) today, including 2 hours between 10pm to midnight after a full day of activities.

My student mind says, "go celebrate your progress!"

My adult mind says, "go to sleep, or I'll crash you myself."

Hello Blogger

2009-07-26T04:49:00.004+08:00

It feels like it's been forever since I last blogged.

Well, things have been busy. We've decided to move back home (Asia) earlier than expected so as to help the kids adjust to the culture and schooling there. School there begins in January. Having a few extra months would help them tremendously to adjust to the style of teaching and language.

In the meantime, it's really chaotic here trying to manage all the details of moving, especially with a wife who is still in a cast on her leg and children that require attention. Hard to even get some dissertation time in. But I will endeavor to do so.

I've decided that if I do 2 hours of coding a day, I'm making progress. That's two 50-timer timed minutes.

To keep myself accountable, I will force myself to post my progress here regularly.

Classic Grounded Theory Community and The Drugless Trip

2009-07-07T06:39:00.009+08:00

1. Classic Grounded Theory Community

I was surprised when I attended the Grounded Theory Seminar at how cordial and supportive the folks were there.

I have been feeling mired in coding over the last while and finally decided to reach out for help. I was able to connect with a newly-minted Ph.D. who had just finished his dissertation under Barney Glaser, and another scholar who is trying to fit mentors with classic GT learners like myself.

This afternoon, Newly-Minted Ph.D. called me from half-way across the country and spent 15 minutes on the phone with me, essentially assuring me that I am going about the process in the right way: messily!

I am so thankful for this classic GT community. I have a strong feeling I will enter into this community in fuller measure in time to come.

-----

2. The Drugless Trip

Judith Holton (2007) in her chapter entitled The Coding Process and Its Challenges, in the Sage Handbook of Grounded Theory, explained the difference between non-classic GT and classic GT:

"Various scholars within the qualitative paradigm [read: non-classic GT] have put forth strategies and guidelines for the coding process (citations). By comparison, the procedures espoused by classic grounded theorists may initially appear loose and perhaps even messy or confusing. These procedures as originally developed by Glaser and Strauss (1967) and extensively elaborated in Glaser's subsequent work (1978, 1992, 1998, 2001, 2003, 2005; Glaser & Holton, 2004) do require the researcher to grapple with both chaos and control. The chaos is in tolerating the uncertainty and subsequent regression of not knowing in advance and of remaining open to what emerges through the diligent, controlled, often tedious application of the method's synchronous and iterative processes of line-by-line coding, constant comparison for interchangeability of indicators, and theoretical sampling for core emergence and theoretical saturation. This discipline is simultaneously complemented by requiring the theorist to remain open to the innate creativity in preconscious processing of conceptual ideation and theoretical integration; a creativity characterized by the exhilaration of eureka sparks of discovery; what Glaser (1978, 1998) calls the drugless trip [emphasis added]" (p. 273).

So, I need to let go and embrace the chaos. Only then will I discover the eureka of the drugless trip.

Now stare long and deep into the picture below...

My Scholarly Identity

2009-07-01T02:46:00.012+08:00

Scholar Wannabe was in town. We had lunch. It was nice to see SW again after such a long time. I'm glad we have blogs to keep us updated on each other's lives.

Aside from the catch-up chit chat, the conversation turned to the topic of scholarly identity. SW said that she's always considered herself a teacher. She went towards Scholar-Wannabe'ing so that she could become a teacher.

(If you know anything about academia in the Western world, you will know that unless you are a prolific researcher and writer, you will be "B-listed" in the eyes of "A-listers.")

"So long as I can make a living teaching, I am comfortable with that," she said.

This past weekend, the stress of having to balance PhD and family led me to seriously re-evaluate my future scholarly identity.

I remembered why I came to do this PhD: I wanted to be a good therapist, I wanted to teach therapy, and I wanted to learn research.

However, somewhere along the journey, research got pushed to the top of the agenda in my mind. Well, I guess if funding and prestige follows research, and your department is always celebrating who got what funding, you can't help but begin to believe that only research counts.

Never mind that I'm a good therapist. Never mind that I help many people heal. If I don't do research, I am not worthy. I am nothing but a B-lister.

I began to fight that message last weekend.

It matters that I am a therapist. That is my identity. I love doing therapy. I love teaching therapy. And the only reason I do research is so that I can better people's lives! Therapy is important: It changes people's lives for the better!

SW admitted that even though she has the potential to be an A-lister and do research, her passion is really to teach. I completely dig that. I too, want to be led by my passions despite the pressures of institutional expectations.

"Successioning"

2009-06-18T06:38:00.002+08:00

I am having a mini-eureka experience!

:silly grin:

Losing Focus: A Visionary-Researcher's Dilemma

2009-05-16T23:31:00.003+08:00

When coding and making notes of recordings, I find my mind wandering. This happens often.

Is it because of the nature of my topic studied? Is this a normal thing for qualitative research? Or is it just me?

Come to think of it, my mind wanders a lot when I am studying. I need the discipline of a timer, note-taking, being really diligent about articulating and tracking the process of my work in order for me to be successful in getting "tangible work" completed.

My mind is too big, too broad, too visionary. An idea will come after an idea has been coded and pull me away from more coding. Unless I have my timer on, a whole hour will pass by and I find that I've been day-dreaming.

A researcher is detailed and task-oriented. That kind of processing is something I have to develop and work at -- it's not natural. I can dream, envision, generate ideas without an effort. I need to learn that this is okay, work within my limitations, and celebrate my strengths.

Bleugh

2009-05-04T22:15:00.007+08:00

I'm tired.

Lots of interviews. Didn't audiotape a single one, but typed like crazy when I sat there with them having them talk away.

There is definitely emergence happening. But I need a break to go and analyze more in terms of actual written memos. So much is just in my brain, swimming, bumping into each other... concepts coming together like elements forming chunks within the primordial soup that is my brain.

"Bleugh." <-- Let that be my core category.

> . <

(I need sleep.)

p.s.1. I am enjoying listening to Jason Mraz while handling data admin. Note: I hate data admin.

p.s.2. If you're interested, check out the comments in my previous post. Pak Ngah left some neat comments. Check out his blog.

Transcribing & Coding Interviews - Classical GT Process

2009-04-06T05:48:00.006+08:00

Quite a few of the advanced classic GT scholars advocate against recording and transcribing interviews. They prefer to take field notes and to memo. This is to avoid from becoming overwhelmed by the data.

One thing Barney said to me was that I can go back to my recorded interviews, and instead of transcribing them, just listen to them and making field notes.

But I am having trouble doing that. I am so afraid of missing out on the data and precious quotes that I end up taking too many notes and transcribing too much. One 1-hour interview can take me up 6 hours to note. What is worse is that after about 1 hour of such work, I get tired and don't want to continue. It is starting to feel tedious (the way that I am doing it).

And so, I decided that if I can "out" the block of mine on my blog and make it public--let the world know of my secret research shame--it might help me to better stick to the process. The last thing I want is to become so bogged down by the data that I become ineffective in data analysis.

Keep it broad. If it is an important aspect of the people's lived experience, it will show up again. I need to trust the classical GT process!

Update to Motivate!

2009-03-29T00:53:00.003+08:00

I've been back from the GT Seminar for a little more than a week now. I have met with my adviser, and she likes what is happening. I have spent time with family and got everyone's emotions somewhat settled after my time away. I have also spent time catching up on friends whose marriages and lives are falling apart, and plugging all my clients into sessions again. And on a personal level, I have been doing a lot of soul-searching, reflecting, and writing about a major change that God is taking me through. All is good. So what's missing?

Data analysis.

Over the next two and a half weeks, I need to sit down and do some major coding and memoing. Find those concepts that I want to move into given what emerges from the data (because, as the GT seminar advisors advised, I have too much in the data, and I need to choose).

I'll also need to do a bit of change in my consent forms so that I can follow-through procedurally for the purposes of theoretical sampling.

I have no fears about the next steps in my research. I just need to start.

Grounded Theory Seminar

2009-03-18T22:28:00.003+08:00

Thoroughly enjoying the seminar! I recommend it to anyone who wants to learn grounded theory. And do it with Barney, because he's truly a genius at this! (p.s. he is also a wonderful person, once you can get past his old-style sense of humor.)

One More Reason Why Transcribing Has Been Slow

2009-03-13T12:15:00.004+08:00

With reference to my earlier post this morning (Friday morning here in C-o-R), I remember now why it has taken me so long to transcribe: Technology.

I use a MacBook. MaxQDA runs on Windows. I purchased Parallels which allows me to run Windows on Mac OS. All that is fine... on the surface.

For the past hour, I have been trying to figure out where to store my MaxQDA files. I have to figure out if I need to store them in an encrypted folder (through the Mac OS); I need to figure out if the folder can be backed-up onto my external hard drive (check! yay.); and I need to figure out if the files in the Mac OS encrypted folder can be accessed by MaxQDA running on windows (checking and still having problems...).

It's no wonder transcribing has felt like administrative work. I remember now: I *had* been doing software administrative work, and when interrupted, had been glad to acquiesce.

Grumble, grumble.

End of Data Collection, Round 1

2009-03-13T09:17:00.015+08:00

Tonight I leave Country-of-Research. I have managed to do 9 interviews over the past two weeks, one more this afternoon. I came hoping to do between 10-15 interviews, so I am happy.

During my first week, I stressed out about not getting enough participants to interview. And so I did a couple of pilots with people I knew. As I did the pilots, I started to get a sense of the ideas being uncovered.

Then the "real" interviews started last weekend. One after another they came. Some days, I did two interviews as I tried to accommodate my participants' schedules.

After each interview, I said to myself: "go transcribe and code." Until this morning, I have not managed to transcribe a single interview. Why? I can think of 3 reasons:

1. I don't like to transcribe. It's detailed, tedious, and unrewarding work. I am not good with administrative details. It has been such a bother to just make sure that my files are ordered and de-identified with a coding scheme, keep my recordings encrypted, and ensure that my paperwork and records are in order. Transcribing feels like a similar process.

2. I am too busy with other things like meeting up with people, doing clinical work (on the side), attending to family dinners (C-o-R is family's home). I need uninterrupted sit-down time to transcribe. Yes, I'm allowing that to be an excuse even though I am fully capable of working in spurts if I need to. ;-)

3. I am not familiar with MaxQDA--the CAQDAS I ended up purchasing. I purchased it because it was the easiest and cheapest, but even then, I wish I had a little tutorial to take me through the basics. Each time I started to learn it, I got interrupted by a phone call, or an email, or a knock on the door.

In any case, now that I've done some interviews, I have a sense of what theoretical sampling will be like. In my mind, I can already begin to see the emerging theory (even without coding!), and have a sense of the kinds of participants I would want to interview in the second round. But really, I need to be careful of "preconceived ideas" and ensure that my emerging concepts are well grounded.

I need to get out of bed, shower, eat something, and start to figure out MaxQDA. Give myself a good two hours of uninterrupted time to do so. Then I can begin transcribing... I think.

Pinch me!

2009-02-26T08:23:00.003+08:00

Yep! This means that my committee has approved my proposal (with no changes), and I'm sailing the skies off to Country-of-Research to begin data collection!

I've also booked to attend Glaser's workshop in March.

Is this really happening?

Good News

2009-02-21T12:10:00.003+08:00

I heard today--only 4 days later--that the IRB has approved my application. No stipulations even!

Sigh.

BIG sigh!

I've always known that there is a divine purpose for me to be in this program. When I get such confirmations (e.g. a 21-day process taking only 4 days and without any hitch... well, except for my own panicking), I look Up and an impression seizes my heart with these clear words:

"Yes, keep going."

IRB Mad Rush

2009-02-17T07:01:00.011+08:00

The lady at IRB said that if I could get the application in today she would review it for me tomorrow so that I can still meet my deadlines and travel to gather data I thought it would take about 3 hours to complete the IRC applications and left it until yesterday Boy was that a mistake I stayed up all night and went to bed at 6:30 in the morning only to have my son wake me up an hour later But I was able to go back to bed again for another hour or so and then got up to see a client at 10:00 That went OK but then I had to rush over to see my adviser and department head to get their signatures Only when I got there my adviser had not filled up the form she had to fill up because it was a busy day at the department Luckily I had canceled my other noon appointment and so I stayed in her office and worked with her on it until it was done She signed it then the department head signed it and it was about 1:15 But I was not sure if all the 20-or-so pages of appendices were all properly labeled and so I went and doubled checked on them and sure enough found some mistakes which I corrected After that I pushed my haircut appointment 15 minutes later but when I got there I had to crap so badly and so I went into the bathroom for almost 10 minutes Yes yes Too much information Anyway it ended up that my haircut took extra long but I had just enough time to drive over to a coffee shop to down another cup of caffeine while I went through all the checklists to make sure that I had included everything Sure enough I discovered that I had forgotten to write my cover letter to explain my rushed time line That's when I also saw the bold print warning that there was to be no handwriting on the application but my adviser had written a couple of things by hand on the application Oh well I hope the lady at IRB will still accept it Then I went over to the copy store and made a couple of copies and had 20 minutes left to make a 15 minute drive over to the IRB office to hand in my application before it closed at 4:30 Why do people drive so slowly when you are in a rush Fark I revved until my tires started to wobble and then decided that it would be better for me to get there than to die trying and so I slowed down Finally I got near the office building Parking parking I needed parking Incredible what will motivate a person to pray And so I prayed and found a spot dropped in some quarters with trembling fingers and started running with just a vague direction in mind WTF The building was so huge Where the hurl was F3124 (made up room so you can't search me out online hah) This way that way I had no idea where I was The hallways looked like a maze I finally opened my mouth to ask This way then that way they said I followed Up stairs, then this corridor No backtrack Next corridor Up more stairs And finally with two minutes left I discovered there was construction blocking access to the office Fark A lady saw my anxiety and told me that way then that way I ran down the stairs then across the hall then pressed the elevator button and waited for hell to freeze over But it didn’t and the elevator binged and I got on got off and ran down the hallway The door to the office was just about to close I charged in and scared the staff closing the door and then pretended to walk casually towards the reception Oh oh No one was there I stood looking around Then a plump pleasant lady in the next cubicle smiled and I said I wanted to submit my IRB application She said "you can do it here" I gave it to her and she stamped it 02/16/09 I made it Whew

And so the IRB is submitted and I am anticipating that the lady at IRB will look at it and say "nah, you can't do this research because you don't have this or that form or you don't have this or that permission" But before all that let me keel over and die for a couple of hours from my non-stop adrenaline filled all-day mad rush with no sleep the previous night

Institutional Review Board (IRB) - The Next Hurdle

2009-02-14T03:06:00.007+08:00

Also known as the Ethics Board, the IRBs of research institutions in America seek to ensure that good ethical principles are upheld by researchers so that risks to human subjects are minimized or controlled.

I had this notion that my IRB application would only take 7 days. In anticipation of contingencies, I called the IRB today. Here is what I found out.

It takes 21 days for an expedited review (the faster version for minimal risk studies) to be conducted.
If there are changes or stipulations to be made, that can take another 7-10 days.
The review board tends to be even more picky when the research is international.
You are NOT allowed to begin data collection until you have received IRB approval.

Here is what I had planned on doing.

Defend my proposal on Feb 24th. Then submit my IRB immediately after.
Fly to Country-of-Research (C-o-R) a few days later while waiting for IRB approval.
Get IRB approval when I am in C-o-R, and collect data for two weeks.
Fly to U.S. West coast to attend Glaser's Grounded Theory seminar.

Everything I had planned on doing above was so that I could collect some data so that I could attend Glaser's grounded theory workshop (attendance requires data to have already been collected). I was a little shocked to find out the actual amount of time that would be required for IRB approval process.

Thankfully, I was able to be prepared enough with my IRB training that someone in IRB will help to push through my application so that I might be able to do as I had originally planned.

Moral of today's post: If your study requires IRB approval, plan your timing accordingly!

Committee Meeting for Proposal Defense

2009-02-06T05:14:00.012+08:00

I can't believe it.

It's only taken me a total of three days from sending my draft into Adviser to getting my defense date set.

Monday around 5am at night, I sent my draft to my Adviser.

Tuesday in the afternoon, Adviser wrote back saying she'd read it soon and that it looks good.

Tuesday in the afternoon, Adviser follows up with email telling me that it is good, and to get the committee together for a defense date, and to edit her phone number on the consent forms.

o.O

Tuesday in the afternoon, I wrote to Adviser to clarify if she wanted to meet with me before that. I had psyched myself up to spend another few days to edit the proposal. You see, Adviser has high standards (one of the reasons I picked her to be my adviser).

Wednesday in the afternoon, Friend wrote to say that she met Adviser, and that Adviser "waxed eloquent about the superior quality of yours [proposal]." I took that as meaning Adviser does not require edits on my draft aside from her phone number. And so...

Wednesday in the afternoon, I emailed committee members a draft of my proposal and requested meeting dates and times.

Thursday in the afternoon (that is, right now), I am blogging about my proposal defense date. It has been set for 2 1/2 weeks from now.

Yabadabadoooooo!!!

My Proposal Progress

2009-02-02T20:11:00.008+08:00

So, I've been up all night for 8 nights in a row, sleeping around 5-6am. When I awake (around 1pm), I work. And then, I eat. And then, I work some more. And I eat some more. And so on.

There was not a ~~day~~ night that I did not think I would be done with my proposal by the next night. But with each night that passes, something new arose and I had to spend hours editing and editing.

Did you know that adding up hours can turn into days?

Imagine that.

Tonight was IRB (Institutional Review Board, or Ethics Board). It took me 4 hours to go through the online training. Completely unexpected and frustrating to no end. Yet, it was good to learn, and it led me to further refine my methodology and write a more solid informed consent. Much better than the one I was trying to plagiarize from another dissertation. o . O

Anywayz...

I didn't quit after the IRB. I pushed and I pushed and... ladies and gentlemen, "it is finished."

Okay, okay, I lied. I still have two appendices to edit and the references need to be filled in and APA'ed. But really, can you blame a guy who has been proposaling for six months for wanting to celebrate a little early?

I think not.

Here's how exhausted I am: I discovered a nice little reference to support my methodology, and then found myself laughing my head off when I noticed the author's last name was Dick.

Dick dick, dick dick dick dick dick.

I need to go to sleep.

Nite all. I mean, good morning.

Validation

2009-01-31T04:00:00.009+08:00

I had lunch today with one of the leading scholars in family qualitative methods in the U.S. and likely in the world.

After talking with her about my dissertation and about Grounded Theory, she encouraged me that I am very much ready to embark on my project, and that it is a very good one.

Then, she introduced me to one of her students: "This is Lonely Dissertator (me). He understands grounded theory more than any student I have ever met."

After all that hard work (and torture), receiving such validation is simply... sweet.

The New Electric Company

2009-01-24T11:19:00.003+08:00

My kids LOVED it.

When asked what they thought, 7 year-old daughter said, "fantastic!" Even 5-year old son was riveted for the entire 30 minutes. Heck, I was impressed and I did not expect to be.

The new version has some great changes that really work for today's kids.

The Electric Company is a "club" of kids (played by 13-20 year olds) with special SKILLS to do cool things with words. Here they are.

There is an enemy group, Pranksters (I think) and the interaction between the Electric Company and the Pranksters forms a storyline.

The story is fast-paced and woven through a network with nodes that represent cool teaching snippets (not part of the storyline) emphasizing certain aspects of English words e.g. hard versus soft "c".

Those of you teaching English as an alternative language can show clips to your students. Although TEC is targeted towards children 6-9 years old, the ideas and special effects are engaging for kids of all ages. Check out the "Matrix.

My favourite is Music Man. He is the grooviest. Here's Music Man with his love of that silent "e."

The website is great too. It has games, video clips, and you can watch entire episodes on it.

So much creativity and resources put towards teaching and empowering kids. I love it.

Research Software -- Helpful Links

2009-01-23T04:22:00.008+08:00

Just compiling a list of useful links and notes on qualitative research software and reference management software. This post will be updated from time to time.

Computer Assisted Qualitative Data Analysis Software (CAQDAS)
- Software to help with qualitative research.

Links

Choosing Qualitative Data Analysis Software: Atlas/ti and Nudist Compared (by Christine A. Barry, 1998).
QSR International (Wikipedia). Largest CAQDAS developer.
NVivo (previously NUD*IST)
MaxQDA

Notes: NVivo

Handles more than text, can handle simplified Chinese.

Notes: MaxQDA

Easy to use.
Not as many features as NVivo.
Not available through the U, but has direct cheap student price
Student software cannot be upgraded.

Reference Management Software (RMS)
- Software that helps to organize bibliography and other references, including the ability to churn out a reference page automatically.

Links

Comparison of RMS (Wikipedia).

Notes: Refworks

Available for free through the U.

Further Questions

Is there a software that handles both qualitative data analysis as well as reference management?

Deadline on Chinese New Year

2009-01-21T07:31:00.006+08:00

I have read enough, understood enough, it is now possible to set myself a HARD deadline that can be met.

My hard deadline will be Monday January 26th, 2009. It is also the first day of the Chinese Lunar New Year -- the year of the ox.

Thu 22: Complete studying all of the grounded theory works that need to be studied.
Fri 23: Edit first half of proposal already written.
Sat 24: Write second half of proposal.
Sun 25: Complete dissertation proposal.
Mon 26: Send it into adviser and celebrate the New Year!

Grounded Theory Is For Theorizing, Dummy!

2009-01-04T14:14:00.011+08:00

How do I begin?

An analogy.

I was walking around surveying the dimensions of a large castle. I stepped inside the main entrance, looked around the large entryway, the inner garden, walked through the hallways and decided to go into one of the rooms. I opened the door, stuck my head to look inside, and suddenly, I found myself in the entrance to yet another giant mansion.

This was what happened to me.

Two weeks ago, I started to read Barney Glaser (1992), and realized that I could not ignore his ranting against Strauss & Corbin (1990, 1st ed.). As much as I enjoyed Corbin & Strauss (2008, 3rd ed.), if I were to be a true scholar, I had to take Glaser's words more seriously. After all, he was the first author of the first book on Grounded Theory, "The Discovery of Grounded Theory" (Glaser & Strauss, 1967)--a book which I had not read because when I tried to do so, I could not understand it, and I thought that a latter edition (i.e. Corbin & Strauss, 2008) would be more "up to date."

How wrong I was.

Almost everyone I have talked to (and some dissertations I have read) that have used grounded theory has treated it as a one possible methodology in qualitative research. In fact, some qualitative textbooks also seem to treat it that way. Yet, given everything that I have read so far in Grounded Theory (works using GT, as well as method books on GT), I am coming to realize that GT is not just a method for doing qualitative research, it is a methodology for generating theory using qualitative or quantitative data.

I repeat: Grounded Theory is not just one of several qualitative methods, it is a methodology for a very specific purpose: to generate theory! Thus, it is called Grounded Theory.

Doh!

Those Creswell texts that put GT as one method amongst others are not correct, especially if we are to properly understand the purpose for which GT was originally conceived (Glaser & Strauss, 1967). GT is for generating theory, therefore, it should not be placed alongside phenomenology or case study methods. Doing so is misleading.

No wonder Barney Glaser sounded like a raving madman in "Emergence vs. Forcing" (1992): he was yelling "wrong, wrong, wrong!" (to Strauss & Corbin who were turning the method into conceptual description, and thus, one of the many variants of qualitative methods).

I get it, Barney. Thanks for hollering.

I've read Corbin & Strauss (2008), "Awareness of Dying" (Glaser & Strauss, 1964) and I've ordered Glaser's "Theoretical Sensitivity" (1978) through interlibrary loan. Yes, interlibrary loan! This is a very important book in the corpus of GT texts, and my university doesn't own a copy of it. Go figure!

I digressed.

Right now, I'm reading the original first edition of GT, "Discovery" (Glaser & Strauss, 1967). Mind you, the entire title of that book is "The Discovery of Grounded Theory: Strategies for Qualitative Research." No wonder people are misled. But now that I've read enough on GT to be able to understanding "Discovery" (1967), I see that Glaser's (1992) ranting was justified. He and Strauss had already made all those claims in 1967, and Strauss (with co-author Corbin) went and discarded some very important basic premises in 1990.

I'm still social constructivist. That has not changed. However, given that Kathy Charmaz (the "originator" of Constructivist GT) was trained by both Strauss and Glaser, I should read her version before I finally finish off my proposal.

Glaser is still alive. He holds seminars for dissertators. I am considering going. All the way to Mill Valley, CA. Did I mention that I am kind of intense that way?

Here's the good news: I still LOVE grounded theory! In fact, I love it even more now. I dig theorizing. I really do.

The Difference Between Sociology and Psychology (Theory & Practice)

2009-01-02T06:54:00.008+08:00

Ask Metafilter has this great page of answers on the question of the difference between sociology and psychology [link]. I might have read it before, but when I read it this time, all the lights went on like a big Christmas Parade:

I GET IT!!! I GET IT!!!

[Side note. Read the link above, and then entertain this question: Is Marriage and Family Therapy a sociologically-derived field of therapy?]

In working through Grounded Theory à la Barney Glaser (whose writings tend to be more resolute about "what is" and "what isn't" [read: positivist]), I am beginning to appreciate what Classic Grounded Theory means when it insists on a difference between Theory and Full Conceptual Description. There IS a difference.

Having done my undergrad in one of the top schools of psychology, I understand psychological theory well. A real snob-school will tell you what is and what isn't about psychology--it guards its turf well. Studying the family is about the intersection of sociology and psychology (with sprinklings of anthropology, communication studies, economics, etc). So none of our coursework "taught" us what sociology--specifically--is about. None of that turf-guarding stuff in family studies, and so we end up a little loosey goosey [read: postmodern?].

Anyway, I am having some fun embracing a more boundaried approach to defining what is and what isn't in terms of sociological theory, and even who can do sociological theorizing:

"This book [The Discovery of Grounded Theory] is intended to underscore the basic sociological activity that only sociologists can do: generating sociological theory. Description, ethnography, fact-finding, verfication (call them what you will) are all done well by professionals in other fields and by laymen in various investigatory agencies. But these people cannot generate sociological theory from their work. Only sociologists are trained to want it, to look for it, and to generate it." (Glaser & Strauss, 1967, pp.6-7)

Snobbish, isn't it?

That's okay. I'll play their bluff and pretend to be a sociologist for this dissertation. After all, if MFT is a sociologically-aligned field of therapy (see side note above), then I can very well claim sociology as my field!

Find Rest My Soul

2008-12-25T04:35:00.006+08:00

When I get stressed, my body gives in.

I did my regular two-and-a-quarter mile run this morning, but I could feel it in my body--a lethargy had crept into it during the night while I was asleep and unaware. I had to push, pretty hard, to complete my circuit.

I could confront this on-coming cold as an external evil trying to knock me down, or I could take a deep breath and let my body tell me that my stress has gotten the better of me, that it's time to be still and take a different perspective.

I will be a smart therapist and take the advice that I would give others: a change in perspective.

1) I have an entire week before the New Year. I can, like I have done multiple times now, simply move my completion target. I can spend today reading Barney Glaser--heck, even the rest of this week. Advisor will be on holidays anyway, so it's not like she will be wanting to read my proposal.

2) While running this morning, I felt the Spirit remind me that God had already given me the funding that I needed for the next year. I do not need to worry. I only have to do the work that I have been called to do. And if it means doing it to the level which I feel it needs to be done (as opposed to just "getting by"), so be it.

3) Chinese New Year is a bad time to collect data anyway. That will give me at least 10 more days of lag. I'll collect data in February instead of end-Jan. This way, my new clients will be more settled before I have to take a break and leave for data collection.

I need to trust God through this process. I am doing this PhD because of him. He led me here, he will lead me through.

Find rest my soul in Christ alone.
Know his power in quietness and rest.

Grounded (to a halt) Theory

2008-12-23T15:28:00.007+08:00

Several posts ago, I gloated about how much I love Grounded Theory after reading Corbin & Strauss (2008).

Since then, I've started to re-read Charmaz's constructivist version of GT. I thought that I could somehow blend Corbin & Strauss (2008) with Charmaz (2006) and have a proposal that would have a happily congruent epistemological thread (thanks to Charmaz) with some hefty methodology (thanks to Corbin & Strauss).

BUT, Barney got in the way. No, not Barney the big purple dinosaur. Barney Glaser, the first author of the first book on GT with Anselm Strauss.

According to the most recent Handbook on GT (Bryant & Charmaz, 2007)--yes, there is actually a handbook on the methodology--there are three main schools of GTM.

The Glaserian school
The Strauss & Corbin school (the Corbin & Strauss 2008 book is the 3rd ed.)
The Constructivist school (i.e. Charmaz)

Well, I happen to have one of the books by Barney Glasser (1992), in which he systematically counters the Strauss & Corbin school. He claims that his is the original GT, and that the Strauss & Corbin version is not GT but "full conceptual description." In other words, the GT that I fell in love with is not legitimate.

As if it wasn't enough for me to have trudged through Corbin & Strauss (version 3 of the Strauss & Corbin school) and Charmaz (the constructivist school), now I have to not only read up on the Glaserian school, but possibly also read up on the original version of the Strauss & Corbin school. For sure, I have to read the original, original version of GT, i.e. Glaser & Strauss (1967).

[Insert expletive here.]

So many people have graduated with their PhDs without the in-depth study that I have been doing in order to legitimately claim that I understand my methodology well (I can say this because I read a good number of dissertations, some from my own department!)

I have two very contrasting thoughts battling within me right now.

A PhD dissertation is a joke, and most dissertations are wimpy.
I am the joke, and I should lighten up and get over my need to know things 100x more than I need to know them.

So, how much more reading do I have to do before I can write the second half of my proposal?

[Insert extra-loud expletive here.]

Dissertating and Friends - A Painful Mix?

2008-12-22T07:41:00.009+08:00

This post is made in reference to my earlier post: Dissertating and Friends Don't Mix?

My wife was too tired so she decided to have our friends come over rather than to drive there. To cope, I decided to try doing some reading before they arrived.

I was able to study (with earplugs on) even when the kids were listening to Adventures in Odyssey at a high volume. But once our friends came over (earlier than I expected) my ability to focus dwindled. I had to move from the living room into my study because high level of interaction was too distracting.

Also, I feel (1) guilt for not interacting with them; (2) strain in having to force myself to concentrate when my body feels so tense; (3) tired because I did not have much sleep last night due to staying up late (reading) and having to wake up early to go to church.

I will read for another 45 minutes, and then join them. In addition to this cup of coffee that is almost empty, I'll need a cup of tea to tie me over to the end of my study time. After that, I'm a goner. It'll be a very early night for me. I'm going to try dissertating during the day time next week. (To think that I just spent two weeks converting to night time dissertating.)

I just needed to write this down. It's an importance piece of my dissertating process.

p.s. Thank God for high-quality affordable earplugs. What would I do without them?

Dissertating and Friends Don't Mix?

2008-12-21T17:16:00.003+08:00

During coursework, it was comparatively easier for me to"ignore" friends who were visiting and spend my time reading or writing instead. Now that I am working on my dissertation, I am finding it hard for me have friends over to my place at all. When they come, I feel guilty for not entertaining them.

I could not figure out why I felt so differently. Until now.

During coursework, I had to report to a professor. There was a deadline imposed upon me. And since all of my friends understoodd what it is like to have to meet a project deadline (or get it trouble with the professor), it was easy for me to excuse myself from their presence to meet my deadline. I was still a "good person," just busy.

However, any deadline for my dissertation is self-imposed. To ignore friends when they visit now feels more like self-centeredness. I have no professor on whom to blame my inhospitable behavior. I am just rude, or bad, or selfish to not spend time interacting with them. In addition, because this dissertation takes so long to do, it feels like I am forever ignoring them.

Perhaps I just have a problem with discipline. If I could discipline myself to get the work done *when* I am supposed to do it, then I could very well balance family, social, and dissertating life a lot better than I am currently doing it.

To whip or not to whip myself. That is the question.

Grounded Theory

2008-12-16T11:02:00.010+08:00

I've almost finished the latest (3rd) edition of the very popular text on Grounded Theory (Corbin & Strauss, 2008). It is a great read.

Juliet Corbin added several chapters of her analysis of Vietnam war veteran's experience of the Vietnam war as an example to teach people how grounded theory methodology works. Extremely helpful to have when you don't have anyone on your committee who is an expert on the latest in grounded theory methodology.

Chapter 12 ("Integrating Categories") was the best. You really get a sense of how all the hard work and detailed analysis come together to construct a theory. It gave me goosebumps to see how she so artfully put together all her painstaking analysis to form a cohesive theory.

I cannot wait to get my proposal completed and begin on my dissertation. I want to tell the story of conflict in large Chinese Family Business that is constructed from rigorous data-driven analysis and elaborated through a cohesive and compelling theoretical architecture.

Then, I want to publish my dissertation in the form of a book.

After that, more research to take the theorizing a higher level of abstraction to include everything about the Chinese family business as a human phenomenon from history to current times. An exciting project that can emerge out of the research is a movie or a documentary on The Chinese Family Business. Something like this documentary project: Becoming American: The Chinese Experience.

The next 10 years will be exciting.

-----

Corbin J. & Strauss A. (2008). Basics of qualitative research: Techniques and procedures for developing grounded theory (3rd ed.). Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage.

Thanksgiving

2008-11-29T19:44:00.007+08:00

Monday, Adviser gave me some good news on my proposal: "Great Progress!" I celebrated by not doing any more work.
Tuesday, I had a day full of supervision and counseling to do. The administration and traveling was a good excuse to not work on my proposal.
Wednesday, I had no excuse not to work other than that my back has been achingly sore the whole week. Prolonged sitting would not help it get better any faster. I did spent time clearing off more administration work and spent more time with the kids.
Thursday, American Thanksgiving day, I did two hours of transcribing of a pilot interview. That made me happy. The rest of the day/evening was spent with friends. Imagine that. I still have friends.
Friday, I met with my buddies for breakfast and went for my haircut. I did not do any work. But for the first time in 8 days, I was able to wake up and get out of bed without remembering that my back was sore. A good sign.

I would say that I have had a good break and it is time to get back into action. Especially now that my back is doing much better. Saturday's goal is to work for four hours.

I am thankful for the Thanksgiving break. I will not feel guilty for having taken it. No, I will not.

The Bamboo

2008-11-19T15:30:00.004+08:00

One day I decided to quit...I quit my job, my relationship, my spirituality.... I wanted to quit my life. I went to the woods to have one last talk with God.

"God", I said. "Can you give me one good reason not to quit?"

His answer surprised me.

"Look around", He said. "Do you see the fern and the bamboo?"

"Yes", I replied.

"When I planted the fern and the bamboo seeds, I took very good care of them. I gave them light. I gave them water. The fern quickly grew from the earth. Its brilliant green covered the floor. Yet nothing came from the bamboo seed. But I did not quit on the bamboo.

"In the second year the fern grew more vibrant and plentiful. And again, nothing came from the bamboo seed. But I did not quit on the bamboo.

"In year three there was still nothing from the bamboo seed. But I would not quit. The same in year four.

"Then in the fifth year, a tiny sprout emerged from the earth.

Compared to the fern, it was seemingly small and insignificant.

But just six months later, the bamboo rose to over 100 feet tall.

It had spent the five years growing roots. Those roots made it strong and gave it what it needed to survive. I would not give any of my creations a challenge it could not handle.

"Did you know, my child, that all this time you have been struggling, you have actually been growing roots? I would not quit on the bamboo. I will never quit on you.

"Don't compare yourself to others." He said. "The bamboo had a different purpose than the fern. Yet they both make the forest beautiful.

"Your time will come", God said to me. "You will rise high."

"How high should I rise?" I asked.

"How high will the bamboo rise?" He asked in return.

"As high as it can?" I questioned.

"Yes." He said, "Give me glory by rising as high as you can."

Progressing

2008-11-13T03:16:00.011+08:00

Remember Sisyphus? Well, things are actually moving along now.

I finally have enough material written on my proposal that it made sense to put in a table of contents. I had a total of 21 pages two days ago. Today, I have 24 pages, and I'm feeling good.*

It's not so much the number of pages that makes me feel good, but that I've broken through a major research block that Adviser put up for me. On the one hand, I understood what Adviser was saying and agreed; on the other hand, I kept feeling like I have a case too with my (different) approach.

After about 6 weeks of going back and forth between methodologies, I finally read enough, thought through enough, argued with myself enough to feel solid about my approach. What is neat is that given all of my back-and-forth, my approach now not only makes sense, it is philosophically congruent and I can articulate it well.**

I've also stopped meeting Adviser weekly for 4 weeks now. That helped to allow my ideas to "brew" without me having to meet Adviser and get confused each time I did.

I had consistently set goals for myself to finish since September, but failed to meet them. Now that I have pushed through my block, I feel like I can really complete my proposal by this weekend. And I have the pages to show for it. Whether or not Adviser will be happy with it is another story, for another post.

For the record, I really like my Adviser. I think having a tougher adviser will end up making me a much stronger scholar. And Adviser is generally very supportive, so long as I can defend my position well.

---

*MS Word has a great table of contents feature that is automatically updateable.
**For anyone interested, my methodological struggle was between using Analytic Induction or Grounded Theory. Grounded Theory won, that is, the constructivist version of GT (reference: Kathy Charmaz).

Remember To Take Breaks

2008-11-06T05:54:00.006+08:00

My latest timer technique is working out really well. [Also, see earlier post.]

I press the timer (set for 10 minutes), and I work while it counts down. Whenever I am tempted to deviate from work, I look at the timer and say to myself for instance, "only 4:26 to go, keep working." I actually stay focused.

At the end of each 10 minute segment, I make a check on a piece of paper: four vertical lines and one diagonal line across to denote fifty minutes of effective and focused work. I draw a circle around the five lines for the last 10-minute segment to denote the completion of one full hour of work.

Sounds good, right?

The trouble is, the method is so effective that I am forgetting to take breaks. And thus, I find myself unable to work for longer than 2 hours, by the end of which I am so exhausted from the intense focus that I don't want to look at the work for the rest of the day.

Not good.

So now, instead of drawing a circle around my five lines to denote a full hour of work, I press the timer at the end of 50 minutes, and I take a 10-minute break.

We'll see if this makes any difference to me being able to focus effectively for at least 5 hours a day.

The King And I

2008-10-26T14:55:00.001+08:00

I feel like Sisyphus. Each time I seem to be making progress on my dissertation proposal, something happens and I am propelled back to the beginning: a sentence uttered by my adviser; an article pointing the emphasis in a different direction; a drop a self-doubt pelting down on my research question from the looming dark cloud of methodological uncertainty above.

This past week, it was illness. At first, I ran my errands like a trouper, resisting the idea that an eight-mile-a-week runner could succumb to something so banal as a cold. When I could no longer deny the truth of my sorry state, I took to homeopathy and drowned myself in water and sleep to overcome it. I was bent on getting my rock to the very top of the hill.

By day three, I declared myself well and took to reading again. At first, my goal was to complete two articles and perhaps parts of a book. By late afternoon, my hopes dwindled down to merely one article. It took me the entire day and all the energy I could muster up, but I finished it. Truth be told, I think it finished me.

Today is day five. By now, I should have tackled the theory and the methodology readings that I have piled up beside me. But here they sit, untouched. Books and articles that wonder why I torture them with the bright desk light into the early morning hours without bothering to read them. Books and articles that stare at me with bitter silence, hurling unheard accusations that cut to the very core of my demotivated being.

Sisyphus \ˈsi-sə-fəs\
: a legendary king of Corinth condemned eternally to repeat the cycle of rolling a heavy rock up a hill in Hades only to have it roll down again as it nears the top.
[Mirriam-Webster's Online Dictionary]

It has not been a good week. My rock feels like it is at the very bottom of the hill, or at best, immobile. But I will arise, just as Sisyphus does. Tomorrow will be another day, and the day after that will be yet another tomorrow. One day, the king of Corinth will find his redemption. And one day, I too, will find mine. But for now, we sigh our sighs, and we begin again.

Duh (Lessons from My Timer)

2008-10-20T05:07:00.011+08:00

When I write, I set up 15 minute chunks of time for work with 2 minute breaks in-between. It helps me to stay focused on the writing process.

I just realized that I don't do the same for reading--take a break after an allotted time, that is.

It's no wonder that I end up reading 7 pages in 2 hours. I'm not focused and there is no timer to keep me accountable.

PLAN:
4:15 to 5:30pm - Read 11 pages (5 minutes per page) with 2 minute breaks in between each 15 minute interval.
5:30pm - Reward myself by going for a half-hour jog.

-----

ACTUAL (5:22pm):
I did it! I completed the reading with 8 minutes to spare, and I even made notes.

The KEY DIFFERENCE was that with the timer, I was forced to focus on that which was important to me and to ignore that which was tangential or not even useful. This is an important lesson. In reading articles at this stage of my dissertation proposal, I do not want to waste time on the agenda of the article I am reading. I want to focus on the agenda of my proposal. And I need to remember that the authors of these articles are not on my examination committee. I need to please my committee and no one else... that is, until I have to publish, but that's another blog altogether.

And now, I am off for a run. Yes!

One Goal

2008-10-19T11:42:00.009+08:00

Tonight's effort was valiant. I planned to get almost 3 hours of writing in, and I am glad that I worked all that time.

However, about half of that time was spent looking through literature. Obviously, I have not done all the reading that I could have done. What's frustrating is that I thought I had read enough and imagined myself able to sit down and type out the proposal; that the challenge was simply to articulate my arguments coherently enough. I did not expect to have to stop and read another 6 hours worth of articles. For the literature review section, maybe, but not in my introduction!

And so, to come up with a complete draft by early next week feels like an impossibility unless I do one thing: keep working non-stop. Given my time and financial constraints, I need to keep working. And so I will.

For the next three days, I will do nothing but make my dissertation proposal a living priority, whether it be writing or reading. I have one goal: get the damn thing done.

Will I continue to blog and journal? Of course. It's the only way to keep sane through this process.

Needed: Motivation

2008-10-17T10:41:00.009+08:00

I've come to realize that my problem with dissertating is not loneliness per se, but a deep need to talk to someone about my progress. But not just anyone. Someone who can empathize, deeply.

For instance, today, it took all of my energy to force myself to do 4.5 hours of writing. I did it, but it was a painful process. I applied all the clinical behavioral skills I knew on myself to make it happen, including a bit of eye-movement reprocessing first thing in the morning to shave some anxiety off my body (it's never a good thing to wake up to an aching jaw--you know you've been grinding your teeth all night).

Now it's 9:48pm. I have a 200+ page dissertation sitting next to me that has to go back to the library tomorrow (it's an inter-library loan and I've used up my renewals). Do I want to force myself to work for another 2 hours to quickly read and summarize this work?

Boring, isn't it, to read about my dissertating woes? But if I don't talk about it, how else do I alleviate this pain of working when it is so torturous to work?

I suppose I could get a punching bag and beat the crap out of it. That would provide some relief. But the ultimate relief is found only in work done. So I should do that.

I will work until 11:30pm. Then I will come back and add a postscript. If you read a p.s. at the end of this post, will you leave a comment of "yay" for me?

Yours humbly,
Lonely Dissertator

----

11:17pm. p.s. The dissertation was an interesting ethnographic study that was only tangentially related to my dissertation. My practicality said, "get rid of it and do something else;" my curiosity said, "but it's so interesting and knowledge of this work might come in handy one day." Tonight, practicality won.

PhD Blogs on Wordpress

2008-10-14T06:18:00.004+08:00

I just discovered a WHOLE bunch of PhD blogs on Wordpress here.

Wordpress has some nice features that make your blogging life much richer. I signed up there, I'm not sure I have the time to muck around with yet another new blog program.

What I like about it though, is the community of PhD bloggers there. Perhaps I can sneak peeks in between dissertating and make a comment or two. Who knows? I might actually meet a couple of like-minded individuals.

With All My Will I Will Love You

2008-10-11T12:29:00.014+08:00

When I am sick of you, I tell myself that I chose to pursue you six years ago. I cannot abandon you now even though sometimes I hate you with all of my guts.

I turn on soft music, preferably Adagio from Live365. I create the mood lighting. A candle works wonders--the flame flickers in the corner of my eye as Adagio softly and desperately serenades the romance back to life. I pour you and I a libation. Tonight, it's Rooibos, for our health.

So what if we only spend an hour together? It is better than no time at all. At least I whet my appetite for more of you.

Tonight, I celebrate my love for you with all my tenacity. I will sit here and devour your words. I will cherish this moment. I will do everything necessary to make sure that my love for you does not die, even though there is nothing I want more right now than to leave you forever.

One day, by God's grace, you and I will cross the threshold together. You in my hands as I bow to receive the word that confers me with the three letters that will make you a part of my name for the rest of my life.

Social Science Research: Deduction versus Induction

2008-10-04T04:29:00.022+08:00

Many social science research texts (and professors) talk about hypothesis testing as a deductive process. "It's like moving from a general principle to specific instances," they tell us, and then, to complete the picture they explain, "as opposed to induction, which moves from specific instances to make a general principle."

Take for instance, the online Research Methods Knowledge Base. The author explains that in a top-down, deductive research process, "we might begin with thinking up a theory about our topic of interest. We then narrow that down into more specific hypotheses that we can test. We narrow down even further when we collect observations to address the hypotheses. This ultimately leads us to be able to test the hypotheses with specific data -- a confirmation (or not) of our original theories." (ref.)

Yet, when one looks up the definition of deductive reasoning, one gets something like this:

"Deductive reasoning is reasoning which uses deductive arguments to move from given statements (premises) to conclusions, which must be true if the premises are true. An example of deductive reasoning, given by Aristotle, is
* All men are mortal. (major premise)
* Socrates is a man. (minor premise)
* Socrates is mortal. (conclusion)" [ref.]

So, is hypothesis testing a deductive process as explained by the author of the Research Methods Knowledge Base? No. In fact, the process described is mostly an inductive one. The only thing deductive about the process is "thinking up a theory about our topic of interest." The rest of the process has its foundation in induction--that is, trying to induce from the data that the general principle is correct.

It is no wonder I have been confused about this for so long--bad teaching.

The scientific method, whether it be pure or social sciences, relies primarily on induction. Don't let someone confuse you by telling you that quantitative research is deductive and qualitative research is inductive. They both utilize inductive reasoning because they rely on data to make conclusions.

So where does deductive reasoning occur? In disciplines that come up with principles without the need to refer to data, for instance, mathematics or theology. It is, as mentioned above, when we just "think up a theory" or when we use abstract reasoning to come up with general principles.

An older Wikipedia entry on Deductive Reasoning found in Answers.com explains it well:

"Alternative to deductive reasoning is inductive reasoning. Many incorrectly teach that deductive reasoning goes from general information to specific information and that inductive reasoning travels in the opposite direction. This is not accurate [emphasis added]. Deductive reasoning applies general principles to reach specific conclusions, whereas inductive reasoning examines specific information, perhaps many pieces of specific information, to derive a general principle. By thinking about phenomena such as how apples fall and how the planets move, Isaac Newton induced his theory of gravity. In the 19th century, Adams and LeVerrier applied Newton's theory (general principle) to deduce the existence, mass, position, and orbit of Neptune (specific conclusions) from perturbations in the observed orbit of Uranus (specific data)."

In The Method of Sociology, Znaniecki explains it this way:

"Sociology can be nothing but a strictly inductive science. This does not mean that it should not use deduction: no science can live without the help of deductive reasoning (...) induction is the dominant and determining method of sociology: deduction must remain entirely subservient to it as an auxiliary method (...) The fundamental distinction between [deductive and inductive methods] is that from the point of view of the deductive method the final test of a new truth is its logical agreement with a truth already established, whereas from the inductive point of view the final test of a new truth is its validity in theoretic application to empirical facts. It is obvious that a science dealing with empirical reality could not be deductive, for it would either be incapable of proving anything or else be inapplicable to its object-matter [emphasis added]" (1934, pp.218-219).

I rest my case.

JWYW

2008-10-01T02:47:00.005+08:00

Process, process, process. That seems to be what I am doing a lot of these days. It's a qualitative research thing, particularly if one tends towards social constructivism, an epistemology I find myself embracing more and more.

Heather, another aspiring scholar, has taken the liberty to keep me accountable on my blog, which means more regular updates. Doesn't hurt me to do so. In fact, it may help me to share some of my processing.

Where have I been?

Over the last month, I have been working on my dissertation proposal. My adviser (I prefer to spell it with an "o", but when in Rome...) has been wanting me to write, but I've been hesitant, finding that writing without reading beforehand is a waste of time for me. I don't think by writing drafts, I think by writing memos. "Journal While You Work," I call them. I even have a little acronym: JWYW.

And so, I open my MacBook, and turn on the little yellow sticky notes and start typing. This is what I would write right now if I were to write in my virtual stickies:

- 1:59pm. I've written and edited two pages of my intro. It's a good start. I like them. But I did have this artificial target to get a full draft done by yesterday. I won't punish myself for an arbitrary target. I will look at the work done and rejoice over what I've accomplished. Besides, Adviser is very understanding about how long it takes to write. My client is at 4pm, which means I have to stop working at 3:20pm. That gives me 1 hour 20 minutes. What should I do? I feel stuck with the headings. I don't really know how long a qualitative dissertation proposal should be. It's so creative and subjective. I think what's more important is to fill up the information on the existing headings, "Introduction" "Conceptual Framework" "Research Questions" "Research Methods" and "Validity." Go with these for now and just add content to the scaffolding. Let Adviser comment and suggest edits. God, will this be done by the end of the week??? (That, by the way, is a prayer, not an utterance of exasperation.)

The rest of this post to be completed at the end of the day.

How Long It Takes To Read

2008-09-06T06:29:00.004+08:00

I took some notes as I worked today. Here's a peak into what took place -- straight out of my MacBook stickies.

So here I am, with some caffeine in my system. Note taking should not last more than 15 minutes. Then, reading the rest of the chapter (15 pages) should take 15 * 5 min = 1 hr 15 minutes. That should take me to 4pm. After that, take a 10 minute break, and take notes for the rest of the chapter -- no more than 20 minutes. That should take me to 4:30pm.

PLAN
2:30-2:45 Note take
2:45-4:00 Finish chapter 1
4:00-4:10 Break
4:10-4:30 Note take
After that, decide on what to do from 4:30 to 6pm.

ACTUAL
2:30-3:05 Note taking
3:05-3:20 Break
3:20-3:55 Read pp. 31-36
3:55-4:00 Break
4:00-5:30 Read pp.36-45 (finished ch 1), with breaks to make phone calls.

I used 3 hours to take notes of 5 pages, read 15 pages, and I still have to make notes on those 15 pages read, which I am now anticipating will take 1 1/2 hours! Granted it is a topic that I am not used to reading and I did lack some sleep last night, but this actually represents one of my BETTER days! How scary is that?

So my QUESTION to myself today is: How in the world are you going to get your dissertation proposal done in the next TWO weeks?

ANSWER: ...

Research Update

2008-08-30T16:29:00.003+08:00

I suppose I ought to be more faithful to this blog and update more often (I tend to update my "other" blog a lot more frequently).

So, what's there to update about my lonely dissertator's life?

It's been frustrating and scary and exciting at the same time. Frustrating in that I want to spend all of my time focused on designing my dissertation proposal but I can't. Life gets in the way. Scary because my dissertation looks like it's going to be a heckuva major project that has never been done before. Exciting because if I can pull this off, it will result in a real contribution to the field--it may even be a landmark study.

My advisor (my new advisor, that is) told me today that there is safety in the committee. If they feel like I've taken on more than I can chew, they can sometimes redesign the whole thing and make it a lot more simple and d-o-a-b-l-e.

Doable. That would be nice.

I dropped the "I"

2008-08-14T01:51:00.002+08:00

I am no longer ABDI (all but dissertation & internship). I finished all 500 hours of my doctoral clinical internship as of yesterday. So now, I'm truly ABD.

A couple of things have transpired for me and my dissertation.

First, I've completely changed my internal committee members. I had planned originally to do quantitative work and so I selected people who would appropriately help me in that regard. With my change to qualitative methodology, I have felt a strong need to change to people who understand the qualitative research process. It is VERY different! With that change set, I am now happily going to start on my dissertation proposal.

Second, I have decided to collect my own data in my home country. It's ambitious but there is really no other alternative for me. I feel that this is the only thing that I can do and feel like it is work that truly matters. I don't want to spend my time doing work that does not feel important and significant to me. I want to publish my dissertation, I want to allow my dissertation to be the launching pad for my research work into the future. The extra effort will pale in comparison to my motivation to do my dissertation. At the end of the process, I want to be able to say, "that was really meaningful work!"

My Epistemological & Ontological Bent

2008-06-22T06:21:00.006+08:00

I have come to the realization that epistemologically, I am social constructionist. I was not sure what to make of my ontological bias. I may have found it, in Critical Realism.

According to wikipedia, theologian NT Wright is one such example. This following quote by him (as taken from wikipedi under the title "Critical Realism" retrieved today) resonates well with me:

"..I propose a form of critical realism. This is a way of describing the process of "knowing" that acknowledges the reality of the thing known, as something other than the knower (hence "realism"), while fully acknowledging that the only access we have to this reality lies along the spiralling path of appropriate dialogue or conversation between the knower and the thing known (hence "critical")." (The New Testament and the People of God, pp. 35)

Pardon my French in the previous post. I just had to let some frustration out.

Epistemologies

2008-06-21T11:03:00.005+08:00

It is incredible sometimes how one's epistemology can create so much conflict and controversy. Social research can be dangerous sometimes; not only others to me, but also I to others.

In the spirit of integrity and expediency go I.

And no more bullshit.

Beverages Welcomed

2008-06-03T05:25:00.012+08:00

"You are welcome to bring beverages in covered containers into the study areas of the library."

Aren't those the most wonderful words you have ever read on a sign in a library?

Not only that, the desk is big (good for spreading out papers for editing), there is a nice yellow lamp creating a feeling of warmth, it's very very quiet (maybe because this is the hallowed halls of a seminary), and most importantly, there is a wall of windows offering a beautiful view to the outside and some sunlight to my soul!

This is what it looks like:

Oh yeah, and I don't have to pay for parking. Sweetness or what?

-----

On a separate note, I attended my first dissertation support group hosted by the University counseling services this morning. I'm glad to report that it was a positive experience. More on that later.

Psychological Services for China's Traumatized Quake Survivors in Full Swing

2008-05-29T10:06:00.002+08:00

BBC Monitoring Asia Pacific - May 19, 2008

Text of report in English by official Chinese news agency Xinhua (New China News Agency)

["China Exclusive: Psychological Services for China's Traumatized quake Survivors in Full Swing" - Xinhua headline]

MIANYANG, Sichuan, May 19 (Xinhua) - China's largest ever psychological service operation for survivors of a natural disaster is in full swing, a week after an 8.0-magnitude earthquake rocked the southwestern Sichuan Province.

In a temporary residence site for earthquake victims in west China's Mianyang City, Dr Wang Ningxia, a psychologist faced an eight-year-old girl Qiao Xi, who was traumatized and unable to speak after experiencing the tragic disaster.

Qiao Xi's mother lost four of her family including her son, Qiao Xi's elder brother, in the earthquake. The voluble girl lost vitality after that.

"Do you still want to go to school? Would you want to go back to your school?" the doctor asked.

The question won the first one-word response from the traumatized girl a week after she lost speech.

"Want," whispered the girl, who had been communicating with simple body languages of nodding for "yes" or shaking head for "no".

Doctor Wang said that the session with the girl had had some success. But not all the cases she met in the quake zone progressed.

"I tried in vain to communicate with a mother who lost her daughter in the earthquake. She could not face the mishap that happened. She neither cried nor ate anything," said Wang.

The doctor from the South West University of Science and Technology led 10 teachers and 34 students to carry out psychological service work in Mianyang City.

Wang took out a questionnaire she drafted, and pleaded with Xinhua's reporters to help submit it to authorities, who have the power to hand out the questionnaire among quake victims.

"The questionnaire would help psychological counsellors to locate victims who urgently need psychological treatment," said Wang.

There are at least 300 professional psychologists working in the quake zone, according to Xinhua's tally of medical staff sent by the Ministry of Health and a dozen of medical institutes around the country.

A group of psychologists led by Zhang Yuqing, associate professor from the Psychological Institute of the Chinese Academy of Sciences has carried out counselling on 1,000 school children in Beichuan County, closest to the epicentre of the earthquake.

"We have taught the children some psychological knowledge and some methods to ease psychological stress," said Zhang, who also planned to meet injured victims and orphans.

Wang Ningxia said that most of psychologists working in the quake zone volunteered to join the task.

"This was the first time that we faced so many traumatized people. This is the first attempt at such a massive psychological operation in China. The work lacks overall coordination," said Wang.

She said that psychological therapy is urgently needed, since survivors are still gripped in horror, and by a sense of insecurity and solitude.

"They re-experienced the horrible scenes again and again in everyday nightmares or insomnia. The trauma may remain for two to 10 years," she said.

Zhang Kan, director of the Psychological Research Institute of the Chinese Academy of Social Sciences said that millions of quake victims, witnesses, rescuers and even reporters on the earthquake may suffer psychological trauma, and need counselling.

"Some people may not handle the helpless emotion, and suffer long- time panic, the feeling of setback and emotional dysphoria. Such patients may turn to liquor, cigarettes and drugs for comfort. Some may contemplate suicide or other extreme behaviour," said Zhang.

Thousands of volunteers from around the country have registered through local psychological service stations to go to the rescue front line. However, there is still a heavy shortage of professional psychologists, since the therapy is in an initial developing stage even in China's major cities.

Soldier cries: "Please let me rescue one more!"

2008-05-16T13:03:00.008+08:00

I read the following article that is being published in many Chinese news sites. It is a personal account of the earthquake in Sichuan, translated into English (article in Chinese here: 消防战士跪地落泪：求求你们让我再去救一个)

[Disclaimer: the following article may be disturbing to some readers, but it is meant to mobilize us to action.]

"I just received a call from a reporter who had recently interviewed me. She just returned from MianZhu. On the phone, she described a scene she personally witnessed. She used only four words to describe what she saw - "世界末日" (Armageddon). She could barely work, because while there her tears never stopped. There was ruin after ruin, and the void left by collapsed buildings was filled by the sounds of crying. Rescue teams frantically rushed from site to site, but often it was too late. The photographer that went along with her only took one picture before throwing away the camera to join in on the rescue effort. The surroundings made it impossible to just stand and watch.

She told me that at a school she saw a scene that she will never forget. Half of the school's main building had collapsed. When the quake happened, roughly 100 children had been buried by the debris. All of them were elementary school kids. Soldiers-turned-rescuers had already retrieved teens of live children and 30 some corpses from the site. Watching the miniscule children that will never be able to open their eyes again, she couldn't find enough strength to even speak.

But as the rescue effort escalated to an all out sprint against time, aftershocks and the instability of the building was threatening a further collapse. Anyone going into the rubbles again would only meet certain death. The rescue commander issued an order for all rescuers to immediately evacuate the scenes until further notice. But just at that time, some of the soldiers who had just left the ruins yelled that they had found more trapped children.

When some of soldiers heard the news, they lost it and immediately began to crawl back down the rubbles. At that very moment, the second collapse happened. A huge slab of concrete was falling right in front of everyone's eyes. Other soldiers attempted to restrain those who wanted to go back in. The two groups wrestled with each other, until people eventually moved them into a safe zone. A soldier that had just pulled a child from the rubbles, kneeled on the ground and sobbed, pleading to the people pulling him away.

"Just let me rescue one more."
"I am begging you, just let me rescue one more."
"I can rescue one more!"

Everyone who watched the scene unfold cried. But they could only stand helplessly, as the building collapsed for a second time. Later on, those children were retrieved from the rubbles, but only one was still alive. As the reporter watched the young soldiers carry the sole survivor to the rescue tent, she sobbed uncontrollably.

Even though the story was told to me through the phone, it touched me greatly. I can't imagine how emotional the scene would have been had it occurred right in front of my eyes. What I do know is that it is a true story, and that right now, in the heart of the quake disaster area, the same story is being repeated. Tonight, as I sat in the comforts of my room, I first became aware that I should do something. Even though it is not realistic for me to be at the disaster site, can I do something that is within my power?

With tears in my eyes, I decided to first publish this article. I know that this article won't bring about any real help in itself, but this is the fastest, most immediate thing I an do. One article doesn't have any real power, but at least I can let more people know what is happening. Only after finishing the first task, can there be a second or a third..."

Pray for China. Show your love. Friends, no matter what situation you are in, as long as it is one where you can help, I hope we move as fast as possible. Don't let the fact that your action has too small of an effect, deter you from doing it. One article, one dollar of donation, they are all forms of support."

-----

I am going to do something.

Current death count exceeds 20,000; those buried under rubble estimated to exceed 25,000; total feared dead exceeds 50,000. Millions are homeless. [Source]

So You Want To Become A Psychotherapist!

2008-05-14T12:58:00.004+08:00

Most undergraduate students in psychology or social work or some other “people-helping” field want to get into the field of mental health, but they don’t know how to go about it. Well, I don’t blame them. To begin with, there are so many different terms that seem to sound like the same thing (for example: psychotherapy, psychology, psychiatry) it can be quite confusing. To add to the confusion, there are different professions that all seem to do the same thing, and different educational pathways towards these professions.

The purpose of this post is to provide an introduction to the different psychotherapy professions and the educational pathways you can consider (and it will be from a biased perspective: my bias!). I will limit my discussion to psychotherapy as it is taught and practiced in North America. First, let us clarify some important terms.

-----

Psychotherapy. Psychotherapy is a broad term that covers therapy that makes use of the psyche (or the mind) for treatment. A psychotherapist uses talk-therapy, cognitive therapy, behavior modification, etc. to treat a person while a medical doctor will tend to resort to pharmacotherapy (or drug therapy) to treat a person. In the USA and Canada, the psychotherapy is NOT a profession, but a description. A more official term to use than Psychotherapist is Mental Health Professional (see wikipedia link).

Profession. A profession is a paid occupation, esp. one that involves prolonged training and a formal qualification (e.g. lawyer, doctor, psychologist). The training tends to last at least 2 years, the formal qualification is often granted by an association after a formal exam, and the individual is licensed by the state and/or country. It is a crime to refer to yourself as a lawyer or a medical doctor, or a psychologist unless you have been trained and qualified as one. These professional titles are legally protected. Types of mental health professions include: Psychiatry (MD), Clinical/Counseling/School Psychology (LP), Marriage and Family Therapy (LMFT), Clinical Social Work (LCSW), Counseling (LPC).

Main Differences Between Mental Health Professions

PSYCHOLOGIST. There are many different kinds of psychologists, and not all are “mental health professionals” in the vein of a psychotherapist. For example, an Industrial/Organizational Psychologist will not see patients with depression. The psychotherapy oriented psychologists include: Clinical psych, School psych, Counseling psych. Nowadays, in order to become a Licensed Psychologist (LP), you need to have a doctorate, either a Ph.D. or a Psy.D.

Clinical psychologists tend to do a lot of mental health assessments from diagnosing depression to figuring out if you have a personality disorder, or even if you have learning disabilities. They can see people of all ages, but usually, will specify if they specialize in seeing children (because special training and skills are required to work with young children).

School psychologists also do a lot of mental health assessments, but they work in the school setting seeing children from K-12. If your child is having problems (learning difficulties or mental health issues), a teacher may likely have them be consulted by a school psychologist.

Counseling psychologists are what you see in movies and TV: the kind that sits on a nice comfy chair opposite their clients, ask questions, nod and look very empathetic. They mostly specialize in adult talk-therapy.

If you are having a simple problem with depression, all the above psychologists should be able to help you.

(See American Psychological Association and Wikipedia entry on Clinical Psychology)

MARRIAGE AND FAMILY THERAPIST. This is my profession, and so I understand this best compared to all the other mental health professions. It is a fairly young profession compared to psychology and social work, but in some states, it is a very strong profession (e.g. California, Minnesota). A marriage and family therapist who is trained through the AAMFT-accredited schools will have training in working with multiple relationships beyond any of the other professions. We are comfortable working with multiple family members at the same time (and I’ll admit that I find it more interesting when there is actual conflict in the room than when everything is going smoothly!)

To become an LMFT, you need to get a two-years masters in an accredited program, then get 1000 hours of face-to-face supervised therapy experience, and then sit for a national exam followed by state oral exam. The key difference between LMFTs and the other professions is that we specialize in working with marriage and family relationship problems.

(See American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy and Wikipedia entry on MFT)

COUNSELOR. The problem with the term counselor is that it is a very generic term, and so people don’t often realize that “going to see a counselor” could mean anything from getting credit counseling from a bank to receiving hypnotherapy at a hospital. And just to make things more complicated, both the American Psychological Association and the American Counseling Association both use the term “counselor” in their professional titles: an LP (licensed psychologist) specializing in counseling psychology or an LPC (licensed professional counselor). In this section, I’m referring to the Licensed Professional Counselor.

An LPC is a masters trained mental health professional that uses a variety of psychotherapy modalities to address people’s mental health concerns. The training received by LPCs is a lot less rigorous than LPs (which require a doctorate) and a little less rigorous than LMFTs (in terms of clinical face-to-face hours).

It is interesting to me that if you go to the CACREP website, you will find programs in career counseling, college counseling, community counseling, gerontological counseling, marital couple and family counseling, mental health counseling, etc.

In general, of the LP, LMFT, LCSW, and LPC licenses, the LPC license is considered the less well regarded (at least in California and Minnesota). But I have met a couple of LPCs whose work I respect very much.

(See American Counseling Association and Wikipedia entry on Licensed Professional Counselor)

CLINICAL SOCIAL WORKER. The main difference between social workers and other psychotherapists is that their field advocates going out into the field where the people are. If psychology is about seeing people in private offices, then social work is about going to the people where they are. Some social workers train to become clinicians, in that they are licensed to do psychotherapy. These are often referred to as Licensed Clinical Social Workers (LCSW, or LiCSW).

To become a LCSW, you go through a Masters Degree in Social Work, and do a few more psychotherapy-related coursework. Of all the psychotherapy training mentioned here, social workers are least trained to be “clinicians” (compared to psychology, counseling, or MFT). This does not mean that a LCSW is a bad psychotherapist—they may have obtained further training on their own to build up their competence as a clinician. I personally know some LiCSWs who are excellent clinicians.

(See National Association of Social Workers and Wikipedia entry on Social Work)

PSYCHIATRY. A psychiatrist is a medical doctor. Psychiatry is a specialty of medicine, and you need to have a medical degree in order to become a psychiatrist. It is the highest salaried of all the mental health professions. Psychiatrists often see patients to diagnose mental health disorders and to prescribe medication. At the same time, psychiatrists tend not to be very well trained in talk-therapy. They tend to see mental health problems as pathologies using the language of the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders), for example, Bipolar Disorder, Schizophrenia, Borderline Personality Disorder, etc.
Usually, a patient will go and see a psychiatrist through the referral of a counselor (LPC) or a clinical psychologist (LP). And usually, patients are referred to a psychiatrist for specific diagnosis of mental health disorders and to receive medication.

(See American Psychiatric Association or Wikipedia link on Psychiatry)

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Sometimes, too much information can be more confusing than helpful. The reason why people give a lot of information is so that they can be accurate as to their representation. I’m sure many psychologists, social workers, and counselors will read my entry and offer corrections (you are welcome to do so, please leave me a comment). But for the student who wants a “big picture,” let me offer very some grossly exaggerated caricatures of what each of these professions do or are regarded (from my lens as an MFT). Here we go.

• The psychiatrist is a medical doctor. He (usually a man) is more interested in giving out drugs than in talking to patients. We psychotherapy types don’t usually consider him as one of us, unless we need his help for assessment and to have our clients get medicine when talk therapy is not working.

• The psychologist is the “ooh—aah” of the psychotherapy professions. We masters-level trained types think that they think too highly of themselves. But we secretly wish we were LPs too because they earn a lot more than we do (average $70k compared to our measly average of $40k). When we masters-trained types feel stuck with our clients or need specialized assessments, e.g. for learning disability, we will consult them.

• The marriage and family therapist is a snob. (Yes, we are!). We think that ours is the best field of all because we are systemically oriented—all “problems” stem from relationships. We are so snobbish that some of us will even refuse to use mental health disorder categories (like borderline personality disorder) because we think they come from an individually oriented medical model, and is not a helpful way to think of problems, for example, a woman who is depressed is not depressed by herself, but rather her depression is strongly associated with her poor marriage or family of origin problems, etc. We marriage and family therapists are a small profession, and unless we are loud and aggressive about our work, we may likely get squeezed out by psychology or social work in the future.

• Social workers are not really clinicians. They are more advocates than anything else. And their training in psychotherapy is very poor. The only reason why they are well accepted as a license is because social work as a profession overall is very old (as old as psychology) and they are very loud and aggressive.

• Licensed professional counselors are master’s level psychologist-wannabe’s. Comparatively speaking, it’s one of the easier of the mental health professions in which to get licensed

• Ph.D. = the ticket! You can increase your salary to be at the same level as a psychologist if you obtained a Ph.D. in MFT, or Social Work, or Counseling. Not only will you be better reimbursed, you will also get the same level of respect that a psychologist gets. In fact, even a psychiatrist will respect you when you say that you are Dr. So-And-So with a Ph.D. in MFT or Social Work, etc. BUT, you pay for it through about 4-6 more years of schooling post Masters.

[This post was written for Avis and other people in her situation.]

Thoughts On The Impartation of Knowledge

2008-05-10T07:11:00.006+08:00

Sherman Kuek has written another gem of a quote:

"Knowledge must never be imparted out of insecurity or anxiety.

When knowledge is imparted out of insecurity, it causes one to project one’s self as the subject of knowledge. It makes one flaunt himself as the person who knows it all, while others are subtly implied to know nothing of equal value. In the thick of such insecurity, only the knower’s field of knowledge and realm of discourse are of vital consequence. Such a man knows nothing except his own loftiness.

When knowledge is imparted out of an anxiety that others might not know enough, it causes one to impose onto others the obligation to know as much as the knower does. It does not take into account the different capacities and efficiencies of people to absorb knowledge. Such a manner of imparting knowledge makes people into objects of information; it demeans the human spirit and belittles the learner."

I seem to find myself vacillating between one or the other. It is time to find a better way.

Youtube Has Everything!

2008-05-02T10:18:00.006+08:00

A teenager I've been working with insisted that you can find *everything* in youtube. Youthful ardor, I thought to myself. As I was just clearing up emails tonight, I decided to youtube "Grounded Theory." Can you believe it? There is actually a youtube video on it!

Finding Time

2008-04-30T23:36:00.005+08:00

It's great that I've got renewed vigor to work on my dissertation. But having a full-time clinical internship, family, church demands, plus my own spiritual disciplines take up so much time that when I am ready to read, I need to rest instead.

For all you single dissertators out there: count your blessings!

I'm cutting back on church involvement. My calling now is to work on my dissertation. And if friends get upset with me for not hanging out with them, or people wonder what's wrong with me that I am not as involved in church activities, I just have bite the bullet and proceed with the advice of those who have gone before me in the hallowed halls of academia: Lock myself up!

And I think I'll add to that: See a counselor to work on my guilt for not interacting with people more.

... sigh.

Trembling

2008-04-20T13:05:00.007+08:00

I am finding the books, the articles, the works that deal with the research topic of my life calling.

This just can't be real. It can't be happening.

I am so excited; I am so nervous; I think I'm going to cry... or throw up. Or both.

Getting Started: Preamble-ing

2008-04-19T00:45:00.007+08:00

Setting up your space--formatting documents, rearranging bookshelves, renaming files, etc.--is important. As important as clearing out your mind of other distractions so that you can focus on the task at hand.

I need to add such "preamble-ing" activities to my routine. I find them relaxing and helpful for getting into the work. Much better than just walking around the room or internet surfing randomly because I can't seem to shake off the anxiety associated with getting started.

Do you do have such preamble-ing activities in your routine? Or do you do something different to get yourself into a work mode?